POSA™ Blog
Your Questions Answered (Video): “Why Do I Stay?” The Biochemistry of the Loyalty Bond
In trying to shed light on the most common questions our readers and clients ask, we often find "Big Themes".
This week we will explore one such big theme, the "Why do I stay?" question which partners often ask themselves at different points along the way: right after Discovery, and if the shattered trust in the Betraying Partner is not being met with earnest efforts demonstrating remorse and repair within some time after Discovery.
(Video Length - 27:44)
This question of "why do I stay?" is often borne out of extreme frustration if one finds oneself giving the Betraying Mate chance after chance after chance, nothing much is changing and yet one inexplicably feels too stuck to move.
There are many vectors that can feed into that stuck feeling, so for our first video, we will be exploring the intense chemical bonds that can make detaching, creating distance and acting out of our own self-preservation so difficult to consider. These chemicals originate in the more primitive part of the brain and as such, are part of our survival "hardware". No wonder they're so powerful!
Our hope is that in better understanding the strong forces at work that may be keeping partners from feeling more in control of their own emotional states and choices, that over time, partners can begin making more empowered decisions for themselves and their families.
As we like to say here, Knowledge is Power!
Towards that goal, join us here in this first of a series of educational videos exploring "Why do I stay?"
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Comments 66
Does anybody have a husband that came forward and told you of their acts? I thought my husband wasn’t the best at helping around the house or helping with the kids, but had no idea that he had a double life. He came to me and told me everything. Actually way more than I wanted to know.?♀️ Anyway, he’s getting tons of help. He is just a different person now. Always crying saying how awful he is. Sometimes I agree with him? other times, I just tell him it’s not who he is anymore.?♀️ He says there are just so many triggers that remind him of what an awful person he was. I’m not really sure what to do anymore.
I came across this website after discovering that my husband had been looking at pornography, collecting photos of women, engaging in online flirtations and actually signing up on a hookup site amongst other things. My entire world feels like it has been ripped apart. It feels like I can never trust anyone ever again. How can I when I obviously cannot even trust myself? How did I not know any of this was going on? How am I that dumb? After my discovery, I confronted him.I laid out boundaries that I needed to feel safe. Those are non negotiable for me. He is respecting those boundaries and is making a concerted effort because he is afraid of losing our marriage. While I appreciate that, I am just vacillating back and forth. It feels like I am just a mess. One moment I am hopeful and the next I am distraught and angry. Thank you for having this site. There are so few resources out there for women experiencing this trauma. The only things I have found beyond this have either had an extreme religious perspective or a bunch of misogynistic crap that seems to suggest the problem lies in the one who was betrayed. Yesterday was an awful day where I was really beating myself up for agreeing to allow him the opportunity to try and rectify things. It made me feel weak and desperate. As I said, I am grateful that he is making the effort but now I have a better understanding of why I am experiencing the feelings that I am experiencing. There is some comfort in that I suppose. While I cannot say that I will leave or stay right now, I know that I have some steps I can take to take care of myself and to gauge his actions in regard to respecting my boundaries and participating in his own recovery. Thank you again.
So much of what I read here just kills me because it is so familiar.i I’ve going in that my husband is an addict. Successfully recovering from drug’s and alcohol. But it seems he does not want to recover from porn addiction. I call it his rabbit hole. He will go for periods of time and be doing wonderful. And then bam.. down the rabbit hole.he can’t help it, he’s an addict. That’s what he says. Well I finally have told him that’s a cop out made by a coward that doesn’t want to do the work and does not want to give up his addiction. Trannies, men, my so called female friend, fetus site, dating sites, nothing is off limits in his rabbit hole. All the while I’m dying inside. Little by little I am getting there. I need to reinvent myself again. Better and stronger. I need to sever the loyalty bond.
Hi Marn- Lili Bee here. I am so sorry you keep finding yourself on this see-saw of him stopping and then starting again. How dispiriting! I know it can be extra confusing when we see they're able to quit other things as he has....
Have you watched our Survivor's Series? We created these so that women can actually SEE that other women have reinvented themselves and are finally enjoying the peace of mind that's just not possible with someone who insists they can't stop something as damaging as lusting after others :-(
We wish you great courage and strength to get through this with enough determination to make a better life for yourself....it IS possible. In the meantime, a big hug from here.
Hi! I am 25 and just found out this weekend that my boyfriend has a sex addiction. We have been together for 3 years and he has, on multiple occasions, been on dating sites, looking up porn, and calling escorts/Chinese massage parlors. I have confronted him for years and begged to know why? Am I not good enough? I have the highest sex drive ever so you aren't lacking, is it that you are not attracted to me? Do you not want to be with me? Even now knowing he is a sex addict, I still ask myself and him these questions. It was and is devastating. As a woman with a degree in Psychology I started to think with logic instead of using my emotions. I began to ask him if he thought he had a sex addiction. The gins were there. I mean, I searched my old textbooks and the internet just to make sure. When his answer was, "maybe", my heart sank and sighed with relief all at the same time. While I am so happy for him because he agreed to get help (hopefully he does), it brought my world crashing down around me. I would have preferred if it was me and not a sex addiction. I would prefer that I just wasn't good enough or maybe that he wasn't mature enough to commit. Now, there is a REAL problem. This is something he will have to battle with, deal with, and overcome for the rest of his life! Not to mention, the relapse rates for these addicts are high! His significant other, whether it be me or someone else, will probably have to deal with more of his devastating actions. So, I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I want to be with him. I am an independent person and I don't need him financially, emotionally, or what have you. But, I want to be with him. I love him unconditionally and though that means I can love him from afar, I want to be with him. He deserves love doesn't he? He deserves to know what its like to have someone stand by his side when shit gets real right? Or because of his addiction, should he be alone his whole life? I want to give this a shot. I do not want to feel heartbroken again, but I can go one more round is how I feel. SO, I guess my question is, has rehab/therapy helped anyone's significant others? Has it improved your relationship? What opinions do you have of my decision? Lastly, has anyone on here stayed with someone because they love them and not because they need to emotionally or financially? If so, what advice do you have for me in continuing this relationship?
I am so sorry you are going through this. I realize you post is over a year old now. I am with my husband because I want to be not because I need to be. This is our third go round with his addiction. We have been together 12 years all of it has been in his addiction. This time things seem different. He has been sober almost 3 months and is working a program and he seems 100% committed to recovery. It is still very difficult for me (and for him) but I believe there is hope for a very happy life to emerge. I wish you all the best.
Hello, friends – I have been married for 23 years to a porn addict. I knew this when I married him, but I had no idea how devastating his addiction would become. He is an extremely “nice“ man, but surface-y. He has gotten so many kinds of help over the years. But he continues to protect his addiction and lie to me about it.
I couldn’t take the lying and empty promises anymore. I separated from him 1 month ago. I don’t hold out much hope although he still believes it’s going to work out. In the 24 years I’ve known him, he has not once initiated a confession. I have had to discover the relapses which he then lies about. This is what I mean about him protecting his addiction. I am now in a place to reinvent myself on my own terms. It feels good. Even though I do feel lonely sometimes, the worst kind of lonely is being lonely within your marriage and feeling invisible.
Hello,
Not sure if this is even going to be read, but I just need a place to get this off of my chest because I KNOW no one will understand my plight. I'm sorry if this is long.
I met my bf of 3 years through a normal dating site, and shortly after meeting him I learned he was a sex offender. That happened 5 years before we met, and it had NOTHING to do with children. I confronted him about it, he was honest and said he learned from his mistakes and is not that person. I believed him.
He did and still does like to talk dirty an excessive amount, which made me concerned but I just shrugged it off and played along.
We dated, fell in love, I moved in, was clean and then he lied about having herpes so he spread it to me (didn't know it was from him at the time but I know for sure now..). I then caught him a couple of times using Snapchat and having a separate account on it with an alias of his dad's name. He got rid of the account(s) on his own accord. I forgave him for that.
Last year, he left his email up and for the first time in our relationship, I went through it. And I discovered then that he knew he had HSV because he was posting it on Craigslist. Not only for that, but he was looking for hookups with women...and trannies. In the past though....not during our relationship. But maybe up to 2 months before we met. I felt so sick. But I convinced myself that's not the man I fell for and was living with, no way was he bisexual and into transsexuals.
We almost broke up over that, but then decided hey, let's buy a dog together and also a gorgeous house. We did all that, but yet I wasn't happy. Something was nagging at me for quite some time.
I went into his laptop 2 weekends ago to look up something one day, and discovered through his history and linked phone that he has an account on a fetish website. Now, I can handle porn. But I told him flat out if he ever talked to another girl or gave out his number, I was done.
He lists himself as bisexual, has all of these nasty conversations with women AND TRANNIES AGAIN!!!! But what's the kicker is that they are ALL local people. He gives out his cell number to certain ones and tells them his work day availabilities (he works during the day driving around) and gives a Kik membername (had no idea he even had that)...and I just died inside. He has been doing this for a year!!!!
We fought, he said he never actually physically cheated on me, he wants to change "for me", he deactivated his account in front of me *eye roll* and said anytime I want to go through his stuff I can, he will prove to me he will change and he never wants me to feel the way I've felt. Note: "deactivated". Not deleted.
And here I am. A week and a half out, still with him because I have half a mortgage responsibility, and just absolutely empty inside. I KNOW I have to leave him, but I just want to close my eyes and pretend it never happened. Our entire relationship has been a lie. I don't know who he is, and what I'm discovering- he isn't someone I am proud to be with. But, yet...here I stay.
Dear Hurt,
I'm so sorry. Please know you are not alone.
It sounds like you are young. It also seems that you know what you must do. Please search thru this site and watch the videos. They are a great comfort and should give you the strength you need to get out.
You can sell the house and start over before you get stuck. As you read the other posts here, you will see how some of us have been in this nightmare for years. Some of us, (me included) can't get out because of financial burdens/children. We live with shame and pain every day of our lives. It's awful and soon you lose your self worth. Please please don't do that to yourself.
Please don't let that happen to you. Take care of yourself! Love yourself and know you are worth so much more than this man deserves.
You cannot "fix" him. You can only change how you believe you should be treated and this is not it. You are beautiful and deserve to be treated as such.
Hugs and love to you.
I have learned my husband is a sex/porn addict and has been our entire 22 year marriage. The most devastating is he had oral sex performed on him by my grown daughter his stepdaughter and he did things to her.since she was 11 years old when we married. She has major issues drug addiction recovery borderline personality disorder... she and I have highly dysfunctional relationship... so much drama and long explanation of our family dynamics...I am a codependent classic example. I don't have a clue which way is up...he on his own has found a sexual addiction counselor and proclaims he wants to change and be wholeheartedly committed to recovery I too am in counseling but just can't find the resolve to leave... money, living arrangements soooo much involved in this situation I'm STUCK. What do you do when it's a family member your husband had sex and continued internet sex with...buying gifts such as lingerie sexy dresses and vibrator!!!! I'm beyond PTSD.
Hi Barb- what a tragic story. I'm so sorry you find yourself here.
The behaviors your husband has engaged in are sexual offender behaviors- they are illegal as a minor was perpetrated against, to say nothing of the fact that he abused his position as a co-parent to exploit your child repeatedly. I would strongly consider hiring a criminal attorney about this matter. Other minors he encounters may still be at risk today, even if your daughter wasn't protected from him years ago. A good attorney can help you strategize so you stand the best chance of getting a fair deal financially. If you do go this route, do it quietly until all your ducks are in a row.
As far as calling yourself a codependent, only YOU can determine whether you value what's left of your time on earth enough to prioritize yourself NOW.
Those of us who work with partners have never worked with one who regretted leaving ....They only ever regret not having gotten out sooner! The longer we stay in abusive situations, the more emotionally demoralized we become. But you have a counselor and you've reached out here, so there IS a part of you that knows something's got to change here, and that's you/ your mindset. You can do this!
We encourage you to think carefully about how you plan to honor what's left of your time on this earth. You deserve to live out your years without constantly being re-traumatized!
How can you tell the difference of your brain wanting another hit of chemicals, or if you are wanting to simply show affection or compassion on him?
Thanks for your question, Jo-
I'm not sure we CAN tell the difference but I'm not sure that it matters as much as just knowing you're not to blame if you feel a strong pull towards your partner...again, it's likely your neurochemistry at work.
I think the key questions to keep in mind all focus on whether the relationship feels healthy to you or not. Nothing wrong with feeling drawn to our partner when we sense it's a positive investment of our affection or compassion.
What I was referencing in this video is when we KNOW we are really struggling with getting our needs met, and tend to keep defaulting to getting sucked back into the unhealthy relationship dynamics seemingly unable to make different choices for ourselves. That's when we'll feel stuck and keep repeating the cycle of giving affection or empathy in the hopes the other person will finally respond in kind. Do they or don't they?
I'd say, Step back and evaluate how often you're frustrated and operating in an almost survival-mode anxiety level where it feels imperative to get through to your partner so he'll stop hurting you, or so he'll finally quit porn or whatever the issue is.
If you notice your feel like that frequently and there's a noticeable imbalance between your empathy output and what you're receiving back from your partner, then you know there are some unhealthy loyalty bonds at work for you.
I hope that helps....
What’s so frustrating to me though, is when I talk about leaving he just brushes me off, saying, you could never leave me, you love me too much. And then when I talk to my mom about it, she says, but are you sure you want to do this? You’d be so lonely... and then she says, so you’re ok with ruining your marriage? Because that’s what you’d be doing.
And others say how horrible I am because I’d be depriving my kids from their dad and him from their childhood. I’m not sure what to really do anymore. I stay here and break my heart and spirit and mind, or I move and break my family...
Thanks, yes, that does help.
I’ve been dealing with this repeated cycle every four months, since our first week of marriage, over ten years ago. We have four kids now, and I’m finally considering moving back to the States just to get some peace. He finds it amusing when he is gaslighting me. When I’m sitting there, convinced I’m going crazy, him telling me it’s all my fault, I feel so completely at a loss of what to say to finally make him understand what he is doing to me. Now, he acts like a hurt little puppy because I’m thinking of separating. Amazingly, like the post before me, I moved to his country. And when we go back home, the only way he’s agreed to pay child support is if I stay married to him. (It’s not required from divorced dads in his country.) So I’m hoping it will be better to just love him from afar.
I honestly thought my husband was the only one to treat people like this. I’ve been kept in pretty much total isolation since moving to his country. I had often found myself wondering if my feelings and kind of marriage was normal. Everyone else seems so happy, all my family back home has married wonderful people, they can’t understand why I just don’t leave him. I always had hoped that if I just was a better wife, didn’t resist, gave it to him whenever he wanted, that he’d finally remember the love he always says he has for me. I do love him. And loving him has turned me into someone I don’t really recognize. My kids aren’t really happy. My family back home says hurry up and come home, the man I’m supposed to spend forever with says stay here, I’m being torn in two, emotionally, mentally,,, I just don’t know what’s up or down anymore.
I have just found this site and feel better already whilst listening to this recording and reading the posts.
I first found about about my husbands porn addiction in April 2009 after he used my computer for email and left his link open, I became curious when I saw a headline saying 'R U Ok?' He had been corresponding to an ex girlfriend, making up a heap of lies about me, our sex life, my health and my ex husband. I found photos of her in some graphic detail as well as a heap of porn videos.
At this stage I was physically sick and in shock. But... I am a coach, I deal with stress and addictions in my job and thought we could work it out.
Forward wind to a year ago, I was looking for a file, my husband was away and In his bedside drawer I found 5 x external hard drives, all full of porn. This (I thought) was the last straw. I left our home in Australia and moved to the UK. Set up a home but my husband was supporting me, paying the rent on my cottage and we communicated every day. He was sorry and said he had taken my advice, got himself a principles based coach, but didn't want to tell me who it was as his coach had asked him not to! duh!!!
Anyway, I believed him, I wanted to, and at christmas made the decision to plan a return home. I came back at the end of March. At first he was really attentive, and to be honest, the guy I thought I had married looks after me, and seems to care deeply, but is always distracted, neve really sits and watches tv, always got his computer on his lap. Has fixations, we have two gorgeous little poodles but he seems to fixate on them, and his new pot plants. I sometimes wonder if he has aspergers.
The latest shock was this morning. My husband is in Singapore for six days for work, the poodles are missing him. I was looking for Sasha, our little white poodle and found her under the bed, next to an external hard drive, the same as I had found last year.
I opened the drive It said master copy, and was full of reams and reams of porn video but the one that shocked me the most was of my husband, probably around the time we met, as his belly wasn't as big, he was wearing a watch he bought the year I met him. and not much else, as the girl stripped him whilst her husband watched. The video is an hour long in what I guess is their lounge room with family photos around. the guy seemed to be recording the whole thing on via the tv. So now what....
We married in 2005 after meeting in 2001. I was previously married for 20 years. I look young for my age, slim, my husband has put on weight and used this as an excuse last year for his porn viewing. I realise now that he is ill, and the porn goes right back to meeting him.
I feel used, lost, lonely and scared still of leaving. I really do resonate with the video on the chemicals and am grateful to have found this site.
Dear Sad but Grateful- Welcome to our site, we hope you'll continue to find answers here as well as get the necessary validation that you seek. All of us here know how horribly difficult it is, learning our supposedly-remorseful mates were still more committed to lying than they were to honesty and transparency. But as you're seeing now, for us it's essential to live in reality rather than continue putting ourselves at great risk. We lose our precious time (the only resource we cannot replenish) and our ability to trust again in the future becomes greatly challenged.
We wanted to share a resource with you that tells it like it is, and helps women finally begin to prioritize their OWN healing:
https://www.yourstoryissafehere.com/blog/2018/7/8/i-dont-know-about-you-but-i-dont-give-up-easily
Please keep us updated on how you are doing. We are all rooting for you!
((hugs)) Lili Bee
Today I discovered my bf has been hitting prostitutes. Chatting on more dating sites than I can count recently blew the tire or on my car on the way to see a hooker for 60$ I am just devistated. I do not want to be with a man that is going to do this and I deffinatly struggling with what to do. We're separated now and I'm staying in the house of course he wants me out but then switches back and forth saying he loves me but I have ruined his life. I hate this feeling of hopelessness and disappointment. It's very hard to operate and just function daily. Deffinatly in crisis mode.
Dear Lori, Patience and Jaime, and all the young women NOT married yet to their SA partners,
Please ladies, read and re-read everything on this site. Then read again. Notice how stuck we are. Notice that these men make us feel less than women, notice how much pain we are in. Notice how we feel worthless and hopeless. Notice how we have let one person take away our souls. NOTICE. Is this what you really want for yourself?
Some of us have been with these men for YEARS and can't get out. And once you have children, you're really stuck. PLEASE DON'T BE ONE OF US!!
Research shows most don't make it past this addiction, so you will be in for a lifetime of hell.
Ladies, you will be hurt and in pain if you cut them out now, I know, but I also know you can and will move past this and find real love. I promise. Don't sell yourselves short. You are all beautiful and wonderful and no SA is worth your time and kindness.
Sending hugs ...
I ask my self this question all the time and still have a hard time to answer it honestly. For me it is hope. My fiance is wonderful, I know silly to say, but if I take the cheating part away, I have a kind, supportive and caring man. Unfortunately the cheating part is a part of him and whenever i dig, i find dirt. I keep hoping he will recover. He did go into therapy on his own and not because I threatened (he was in a stable sober place) but it has been months since his initial meeting and I have found that in that time he has relapsed. In the recent weeks more than usual. I can see and feel him trying but then last week he was contacting past affair partners. I haven't confronted him yet as I have just found out. So it feels like 1 step forward and 5 back. I am not dependant on him and we don't have kids but we have a life together that is great (as long as I don't snoop) but superficially great I suppose. I stay because I see some progress but then when he relapsed I feel ashamed at myself for staying. I don't want to leave but at the same time I am angry at myself for letting him do this to me. I don't want to make empty threats so I don't say anything. Yes, I feel stuck.