Dear Posarc:

I'm totally lost in a very painful sea and your website is helping me more specifically than any other resources can.

I struggle through a cycle of various painful concerns, but for the last several days my main concern has been my body image. Logically, I understand that I could be Helen of Troy and it wouldn't stop him from looking at porn. But, I have thoroughly internalized the message that I'm not pretty, sexy, or "fit" enough to really do it for him.

Can you point me in the direction of help with this?

Thank you,
Lauren Jones

Dear Lauren-

Since there is such universality in your question and this exact issue only gets brought up in my private sessions with clients oh, about 10 times a week, I thought I'd write a blog post to respond to your question. I know so very many others feel as you do. I certainly did.

I'll use your e-mail in its entirety but omit your name if you'd rather…or I can use only your initials, or just Lauren J- whatever you are comfortable with. I am committed to your anonymity should you prefer it.

Let me start working on that response to your question now....

Warmly,
Lili Bee
Founder, PoSARC.com

Hi Lili,

I have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm proud for you to use my full name. Speaking out, to some extent, has been important for me during this time. Everybody being embarrassed and not talking out loud about these things is how we got here as a society, in my opinion. My name is Lauren Simmons Jones and I live in Austin, TX. Go for it.

If you prefer to keep me anonymous for one reason or another, then you could just call me Helen of Troy.

Thank you for your response and for writing a blog post about my concern. I feel more confident just because that concern is so common and you've validated that. The work you do with PoSARC is so extremely important. It's been my biggest resource since I discovered my husband's porn use 2 months ago.

With gratitude,
Lauren

Dear Lauren, aka Helen of Troy-

And Dear millions of other women out there who may have internalized the messages conveyed by their partner's pornography use-

You well describe this deadly symptom of a partner's porn use that leaves us at enmity with ourselves, split off and divided against ourselves- Sadly, we believe (wrongly) that if we were only more of this or less of that, he would not have "had" to develop this most selfish of all habits, the compulsive use of pornography. Tragically, in looking for what's wrong with us, we overlook all that is beautiful and right with our magnificent bodies.

Am I the only one who is enraged at this insidious wearing away of women's self-esteem the world over, thanks to the virus called pornography? I think not but I hope we'll hear from others on the Comment thread below.

I am sure that since so many PoSAs (partners of sex addicts) have experienced this kind of devaluation of self-esteem, there are many ways they have learned to negotiate this particular pain....and hopefully we'll hear some ways that some have found healing.

Here are some of my own hopefully helpful pointers:

1- Anger can be essential here in helping you restore the boundary that your husband violated. Please don't allow yourself to be talked out of your righteous outrage by well-meaning friends, family members, 12-step "support" groups for partners of sex addicts, by religious leaders or even by therapists who don't understand the particularly powerful impact this kind of soul wound carries.

Anger can be what ultimately helps you say, "No" even as society is saying, "Yes! Sure, why not? No harm is done with a man looking at pornography, a man isn't really cheating when he worships his favorite porn idols" and other nonsense like that. Keep your "No" strong as it will help you determine and then enforce what you need to feel safe in your relationship and valued.

2- Don't bother wasting a minute of your precious time trying to compete with the objects of his attention. It's not you he wants when he's searching out "the perfect girl" online, it's a chimera. And competing by trying to change your looks or act more seductive ultimately only reinforces in you your own belief that somehow you weren't enough for him.

3- Experiment with whether you feel differently when you take the focus off the fascist beauty standards that say you might not be "hot" enough (I really do hate that word to describe anything other than my stove when I'm cooking or the weather right now).

If you don't possess perfectly X, Y and Z physical attributes and aren't X age (insert ridiculously low number), then congratulate yourself for having broken allegiance with the painfully narrow societal norms for beauty.

You are a goddess, a Helen of Troy no matter what. Here's what's important to remember:

The body isn't designed to be ornamental, it's designed to be functional!

If you've given birth to children, you have extra knowledge of just how miraculous your body truly is. If you've overcome illness, if you wake up feeling refreshed every morning, if your body carries you where you want it to go, and even if it doesn't, it still houses the incredible being that you are.

I love what the powerhouse Oprah had to say in the especially wonderful May 2014 issue of her magazine:

"I've spent way too many years resisting, neglecting and negating my body.
Wanting Diana Ross's hips instead of my own.
I can tell you for sure: Those days are over.
Every morning when I wake up, before I steep my first cup of chai, I stand in front of the mirror in my pj's and bless my body- starting with my feet and legs, which allow me to keep standing, and ending with my head, which gives me the brainpower to execute my vision of empowering others.
From my beautiful perch atop the mountain of 60, I can see clearly how futile it is for any of us to have anything but praise and awe for these vessels that house our humanity.

All the years I dieted, complained, and was less than satisfied with my shape have yielded to a new perspective, an appreciation for the body that's brought me this far.

These days, it's wonder I feel each time I get my annual physical and, during the stress test, hear the swoosh of my heart pumping blood.
It's a reminder that, whatever age you're at, life has its own rhythm.
My goal is to stay in step and not take one beat of it for granted."

Amen, Oprah.

And might I add: every moment of your life is so precious, don't waste too much of it trying to argue a porn addict out of his obsession.
You already gave him your past, don't let him rob you of your future by worrying you are not enough and allowing his actions to demean you further.

You are worth so very much more than that.
As is every PoSA in the world- Helen of Troys, each and every one.

Now, dear Readers, can you confirm for Lauren that most of us have struggled with this huge blow to our self-esteem and also please share anything you found helpful in your getting through it?.