New Age and Religious/Spiritual Sexual Predators

This week, a PoSA (partner of a sex addict) colleague sent me an insightful article on how to spot the different manipulations that spiritual predators use. She thought our readers would benefit from learning more about this growing trend, both because she knew I had studied abuses of power while at Seminary and because she and I both had heartbreaking experiences while partnered with "spiritual"men who were secretly sex addict/compulsives-- and whom we'd never have dated were they not so overtly spiritual (or so it seemed). It was, for both of us, a big hook.

What sets these men apart from, say, a Wall Street man where you can be fairly certain that they are somewhat used to the now-normalized presence of massage parlors, strip clubs and prostitutes in the work culture of big finance, the religious or spiritual guys position themselves on the far other end of the spectrum, as so far above such low-brow, objectifying activities. You never suspect anything is off because it would be way too incongruent with how spiritually evolved they present themselves to be. 

In my PoSA colleague's case, she had been seduced into a long-term relationship with a very sensitive, new-agey man who, while between jobs and therefore having lots of free time, appeared to be extraordinarily committed to working on his spiritual development.

Although the descriptive term "new-agey" had never reflected her taste in men before, she was rather impressed with his devotion to his "path" of betterment, more conscious communication, etc. Naturally, she thought this would eventually help their relationship sail to new heights of attunement with one another.

That was until years later when she discovered, to her horror, that all along, while he was "developing his spirituality" for all those hours every day, he was actually out flirting, cultivating sexual contacts and having liaisons with as many women as his charms would avail him of.
So while his PoSA was home lovingly dusting the bookcases full of their eastern philosophy books, he was busy working his con game on other women.

She also discovered the "where" of his favorite pickup artistry: new-age seminars, yoga classes, spirituality retreats, mature masculinity workshops (clears throat), honoring-the-goddess-energy-circles, you get the idea. For him, it was like shooting fish in a barrel, given that the ratio of females to males there was predictably at about 95%.

This man enlists the language of spiritual-ese as the main tool for his sexual predations. He's the guy who lingers by the book table after the seminar on Feng Shui for Your Soul, hoping to chat up the attractive 23-year old class attendee he's been distracted by all morning. He will be using his fluent spiritualese to disarm her.

He'll move in close to her but then shyly remark on how cool the tattoo on her right shoulder is-- "Isn't that Sanskrit for union? Or is that the glyph for the divine name of God?", he'll say, hoping she notices his big blue eyes which he'll then lock onto hers with that dreamy but steady gaze that in these new agey circles comes across as "deep" and "able to transcend the mundane nature of this earthly plane".

And lest you think this would come across as obvious or sleazy, let me assure you this man presents as very humble, too shy to even approach women, let alone be the stealthy predator many of us know him to be.

Plus, when you've had enough of the dry "Al the Accountant" types or The Wolf of Wall Street types, this soul-attuning style of new agey man can make you feel like you've arrived at your final dating destination, the man for whom all other dates now seem totally boring, earthbound, one-dimensional, forgettable.

Obviously, wanting to date others who share your spiritual interests does not portend disaster per se. It is in someone's knowingly using manipulative techniques in the service of disarming women that turns these flirtations exploitative, predatory.
Sadly, this particular man went on to become a successful leader in many alternative circles, primarily to secure access to females whom he grooms to adore him through his supposed high spiritual acumen. And his empire keeps growing.

I, too, have known more than one man who stalks the steamy rooms of Bikram Yoga (also known as hot yoga for the 105 degrees the room must be kept at to simulate the environment of India, where Bikram originated). All of these men are known to me and have shared enough about their sexual predilections with me that it put my keenly-honed sexual predator antennae on very high alert.

These are the kinds of men who love teaching (or participating in) yoga, all the better for taking in the scenery in a humid room full of young women wearing very little, and the little they are wearing is soaked through with perspiration.
Add to that the visual of flexing and bending female Gumbys and the fact that there's almost no male competition to contend with-- and it's not hard to see how this could easily be a playground for sexual predators who are leering much more than they're instructing.

Another friend of mine who is not a PoSA, an eternal optimist friend, knew I was staying home today to write this blog post and warned me that in writing this I might be "alarmist" and "spreading fear". And that women need messages of hope(!)

Perhaps, but hope has to be found in more secure sources-- and what we also need is to not overlook some of the more well-concealed red flags out here so we can protect ourselves better by practicing discernment about our environments and who we allow in close proximity to us; we do not want to risk falling for a spiritualized sheep in wolf's clothing.

You may be wondering what this type of man has to do with your Reclusive Rob, content to gorge himself on porn sites.
There are differences---and disturbing similarities between the predator at the yoga studio, church or the new-age workshop leader---and the very men we drag off to see sex addiction specialists in the hope that their moral compasses can be fixed.

One of those differences is in the degree of extraversion; clearly, a man confident enough to lead church or teach seminars enjoys a higher level of extraversion than the man orbiting around his private porn universe at home.

But more importantly, where they are the same is that both practice entitlement to have what they feel they want and deserve-- with no regard for the harm to others (and that includes harm to you, their partner).

And both types almost always employ deception as the main tool in their arsenal to keep their supply lines open and unquestioned by those who would expect higher levels of integrity from them.

In all cases, they were found out, after the fact of their manipulations and deceptions to cover it up. We caught them. If we hadn't, they would likely still be doing it. Which is why most of them keep going back to it- they didn't really want to stop to begin with.

This point needs to be made: All of this entitlement to manipulate others for sexual supply is exploitative. When there is deception employed, it compounds the abuse to all parties involved. It constitutes abuse. Period.

And when this abuse happens where there are inherent differentials in power, such as between a pastor or rabbi and his congregants, a seminar leader and his attendees, a guru and his devotees, a therapist and his client, a doctor and his patients—we are now squarely in predator territory.

What abuses have you encountered in the religious, spiritual/ new-age/alternative communities?
Do any of these mirror the manipulations at home?
Please share with us in the Comments below: 

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