When the Holidays are Hard

Losing a marriage or long-term relationship (or even contemplating the loss of the union we thought we were in) is always difficult, but the holidays can make it feel even more so. Gathering around a candle-lit dinner table to partake of a specially-cooked meal, watching excited youngsters open their gifts, hearing holiday music, seeing festive decorations everywhere, all of it can underscore exactly how different this year will be from years past. Dread can seep in just thinking about how much it's all going to hurt if we're having a difficult time this season.

Cognitively, we understand that our grief is a natural by-product of the losses in our lives. We do better when we remind ourselves that it’s okay to let ourselves grieve, itself no small achievement in a culture that would have us fast-track any but the more Hallmark-y, positive feelings. We work hard to try and stay present to ourselves. But...

Then we open Facebook. Or Instagram. All those carefully staged photos of perfectly (filtered) beautiful families celebrating in picture-perfect homes. All those elegantly adorned Christmas trees standing watch over glorious marble hearths all aglow with a blazing fire inside. Pine garlands everywhere. All those perfect couples clinking glasses of wine or champagne, toasting to another special year together.
It’s hard not to compare what’s going on there to what’s going on inside our seemingly small, mundane, black and white worlds; even when we know those photos are all staged and contrived, it’s the nature of social media to incite comparisons and even envy. 

If we’re in pain when everyone and everything else looks like “it’s the most wonderful time of the year!”, what if we just started accepting that yes, this holiday season will be different from the ones in the past?
It just will, especially if this is the first December we’re all alone, or the kids aren’t around to celebrate with us, or our cheater ex just got engaged to his new sweetie, or if a parent has passed away this year, all compounding the losses. Yes, it’s likely to be tough going. However: we also have to remember that this, too, shall pass. Of course that’s a cliche, but it’s only a cliche because there’s a lot of truth to it. This hardship will pass given some time and by surrounding ourselves with tenderness and a caring friend or two.

Gradually we’ll emerge out of the raw, stinging pain and notice that our hearts hurt just a little bit less. It does take time, usually longer than we’d like, but it does come about eventually.

What if we just let ourselves be with whatever is true for us right now? What if we gave ourselves all the time in the world to start trusting that even when it doesn’t look or feel like it, we are already in the process of healing. We are.
If you don’t have faith that this is true, let us hold that possibility open for you.

And for some, conversely, this might be the first holiday season where we’ve felt a new freedom, the unburdening of having to pretend all was well in the home when we knew it truly wasn’t. The freed-up time and expenses from not having to go to couples therapy doing all the heavy lifting, while he spent his energy manipulating the therapist in sessions. The freedom from worrying about whether, while you were out shopping with the kids, he was enjoying himself in front of his computer. And maybe you just feel blessed, finally, for having gotten away from the chaos and drama that was always swirling around your sexual deceptive.
Whatever form the feeling of different but in a good or bad way takes, we’d love to know about it.

So, how are you feeling this season? If you’d like to share your experience of the holidays in the comments below, you may help someone else who is feeling lonely, sad or just different in a way they can’t quite pinpoint. And we would certainly love to hear from you, too.

Many of us have already made the journey, we are here to help you through. If this season is tinged with sadness or grief, if you could use extra support to help you cope this holiday season, contact us. We will be offering sessions throughout all the holidays, including Christmas Day.

We would also like to thank all our readers for sending us their heartfelt comments and excellent questions via mail. Same goes for our rapidly growing community on Facebook. Cassie gets all the credit for that.
Thank you to all who purchased our ebooks, we hope they’ve proven helpful and we always appreciate your feedback.
Trauma therapist Tania Rochelle and ordained minister/coach Diane Strickland’s insightful blog posts have contributed much to our Facebook page and guest blogger Susan Kay’s star is rising here, as well. Our three tech-support men (Grant, Jeff and Shane) deserve our praise, too. We know we have a great team.

Next week we’ll have a new Survivor’s Series episode up here on the blog for you, and we think you’ll resonate to a lot of what Amy (our gentle-natured, wise and articulate interviewee) shares with us about her experiences reclaiming her life after betrayal trauma.
We contemplated releasing that new episode today as part of this blog post, but we realize everyone is probably too busy with their holidays (or else, napping under their blankets). Either way, after the holidays, keep an eye out for that new episode. Better yet, Subscribe so you don’t miss it.

THANK YOU to any and all who have sent in any donations for our work this past year! We are so appreciative.
If you’d like to contribute to our efforts to keep you inspired and focused on what matters most (you!) after being betrayed, to see what goodies we’ve already got lined up for you in the New Year (including a brand new website) we are most grateful- here’s where you can do that before the year is out.

Many blessings for a peaceful and serene holiday season to each one of you! ~ Lili & Cassie