POSA™ Blog
PoSARC or The Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center educates, nurtures and helps partners work with the challenges of being coupled with a sexually deceptive, chronic cheater.
Supporting Partners Whose Relationships Are Ending & Why It Matters
Announcing new, peer-led Ex-POSA Support Groups!
Ask any partner or therapist who's ever started a partners of "sex addicts" support group (or POSA Meeting) and you're bound to hear them mention the challenge of supporting women who are staying their marriages some time after discovering their mate's sexually deceptive behaviors –and-- supporting women who want to leave their unsafe, still-abusive relationships...all within the same meeting. It can be a challenge at times, other times the divergence doesn't seem to significantly impact the quality of the overall meeting experience for attendees.
Still, as much as all partners have in common, namely, being victimized by chronic betrayal and psychological manipulation, invariably, the differences in their trajectories can sometimes manifest as tension within the group. I recall in one particular POSA meeting I was chairing, there were 9 women present who wanted support or encouragement that they would survive the end of their relationships and only one woman attendee who was still hopeful about her marriage being able to survive after D-Day and the multiple slips she continued to discover. I noticed this partner was growing visibly agitated during the meeting whenever the other women shared their feelings about leaving, which ranged from heartbreak that years of his recovery efforts amounted to nothing, to fear about starting over again, to relief at the prospect of freedom from any more D-Days. After this particular meeting was over, the woman who was intent on staying married approached me privately and angrily demanded to know, "Why aren't there two types of meetings offered? I don't want to hear women talk about leaving their marriages when I'm doing all I can to find support for staying in mine!"
I empathized with her; even though meetings typically reflected a more balanced representation of women across that spectrum, I could see (and feel) this woman's dilemma clearly on that night.
But partners learning from one another's shares and being there for each other no matter where they found themselves on the staying-leaving continuum was the larger goal that we at PoSARC believed meetings should serve.
But partners learning from one another's shares and being there for each other no matter where they found themselves on the staying-leaving continuum was the larger goal that we at PoSARC believed meetings should serve.
Add to that, we know that attendance at any partner groups, including the traditional 12-step ones like COSA and S-Anon is typically small even in populous cities like New York, so it didn't make sense to divide the groups up even further to serve the disparate goals of each demographic. We felt the inherent challenges of a mixed-needs group needed to be accepted and worked with as gracefully as possible until a better solution might someday become apparent. And with us PoSARCians always overly busy here with one project or ten, that solution seemed to lie in some far-distant future.
But fortunately, this past summer, a young woman in Ohio area contacted us about spearheading a meeting in her area that would meet both her needs as well as those of the very underserved population of women intent on leaving their mates or those whose relationships had already ended.
When it became clear to this Ohio-based partner that she had to leave her marriage, she felt strongly that she needed support in a meeting of others facing the same gnarly issues she was facing with leaving her character-disordered husband.
Could her therapist have sent her to "regular" divorce-support groups somewhere in her town? Of course, but whatever help could have been gleaned there wouldn't have encompassed the fact that she had heavily invested emotionally and financially in her husband's "sex addiction recovery" and the therapists charged to direct it. She needed a place to safely process the grief, frustration and disappointment she felt in not just her husband, but in the way she felt her "case" was handled by the "treatment" team.
Receiving supportive understanding about treatment-induced trauma could not reasonably be expected from a "regular" divorce support groups. Also, while infidelity is one of the most common reasons people divorce, it would it be unfair to imagine that a generic divorce support group would understand the issues around losing one's prior support group friends. A woman headed for a divorce can be too painful a reminder of just how fragile infidelity-fraught relationships truly are; often partners on the way out of their marriages are invited less and less to outings enjoyed by the other women staying in their marriages. How do we help partners process this additional loss? We knew Ex-POSA Meetings could provide the structure for all these complex losses common to many partners' experiences.
Once we started listening to the ideas for the new type of meeting the Ohio ex-partner wanted to create and lead, we collaborated on generating topics that partners might benefit from discussing: co-parenting with an ex who scapegoats you, adjusting to a new identity as an Ex-POSA, processing ongoing trauma while transitioning out of relationship with the betrayer, giving oneself permission to grieve, making room for relief, adapting to normalcy after chronic chaos, learning to manage finances, surviving smear campaigns, learning how to trust again, and many other topics specifically relevant to the new challenges that permanently separating/divorce from a sexually deceptive mate may bring.
It became undeniably clear there were more than enough topics of special interest to partners getting out to warrant the inception of a specialized kind of meeting: an Ex-POSA Support Group.
The more we talked, the more eager we became to expand our support of women entering into this next phase of their lives, one fraught with uncertainty but also containing the seeds of freedom from chronic anxiety and despair. The partner who stepped forward and persevered in ensuring her meeting idea came into fruition here at PoSARC is a beautiful example of the courage in women, their tenacity to survive the unthinkable, and to do so even with young children in tow.
Utilizing the same Guidelines as the original POSA Meetings, these new Ex-POSA Meetings seek to create a safe space for women to explore and share their feelings with other women traveling along similar roads. The format and safe sharing Guidelines provide women with ongoing opportunities to offer and receive encouragement, strength, validation, courage, kindness and hugs.
If you believe you might benefit from starting up your own local Ex-POSA Meeting, take the initiative of starting small and inviting others in your area to join you. Our Ex-POSA Meeting Guidelines are here, and you may refer to the How-To-Start-an-Ex-POSA-Meeting informational page here.
We feel honored to help women find the local peer support they deserve. If there's one thing we know about women, it's that we're resilient. We are survivors. We are figuring out how to create safe havens for women and children exiting abusive relationships. These meetings and this website are intended to plant seeds. It will take time, and struggle and our joint caring, but together—and only together- we'll grow this into a remarkable resource.
But fortunately, this past summer, a young woman in Ohio area contacted us about spearheading a meeting in her area that would meet both her needs as well as those of the very underserved population of women intent on leaving their mates or those whose relationships had already ended.
When it became clear to this Ohio-based partner that she had to leave her marriage, she felt strongly that she needed support in a meeting of others facing the same gnarly issues she was facing with leaving her character-disordered husband.
Could her therapist have sent her to "regular" divorce-support groups somewhere in her town? Of course, but whatever help could have been gleaned there wouldn't have encompassed the fact that she had heavily invested emotionally and financially in her husband's "sex addiction recovery" and the therapists charged to direct it. She needed a place to safely process the grief, frustration and disappointment she felt in not just her husband, but in the way she felt her "case" was handled by the "treatment" team.
Receiving supportive understanding about treatment-induced trauma could not reasonably be expected from a "regular" divorce support groups. Also, while infidelity is one of the most common reasons people divorce, it would it be unfair to imagine that a generic divorce support group would understand the issues around losing one's prior support group friends. A woman headed for a divorce can be too painful a reminder of just how fragile infidelity-fraught relationships truly are; often partners on the way out of their marriages are invited less and less to outings enjoyed by the other women staying in their marriages. How do we help partners process this additional loss? We knew Ex-POSA Meetings could provide the structure for all these complex losses common to many partners' experiences.
Once we started listening to the ideas for the new type of meeting the Ohio ex-partner wanted to create and lead, we collaborated on generating topics that partners might benefit from discussing: co-parenting with an ex who scapegoats you, adjusting to a new identity as an Ex-POSA, processing ongoing trauma while transitioning out of relationship with the betrayer, giving oneself permission to grieve, making room for relief, adapting to normalcy after chronic chaos, learning to manage finances, surviving smear campaigns, learning how to trust again, and many other topics specifically relevant to the new challenges that permanently separating/divorce from a sexually deceptive mate may bring.
It became undeniably clear there were more than enough topics of special interest to partners getting out to warrant the inception of a specialized kind of meeting: an Ex-POSA Support Group.
The more we talked, the more eager we became to expand our support of women entering into this next phase of their lives, one fraught with uncertainty but also containing the seeds of freedom from chronic anxiety and despair. The partner who stepped forward and persevered in ensuring her meeting idea came into fruition here at PoSARC is a beautiful example of the courage in women, their tenacity to survive the unthinkable, and to do so even with young children in tow.
Utilizing the same Guidelines as the original POSA Meetings, these new Ex-POSA Meetings seek to create a safe space for women to explore and share their feelings with other women traveling along similar roads. The format and safe sharing Guidelines provide women with ongoing opportunities to offer and receive encouragement, strength, validation, courage, kindness and hugs.
If you believe you might benefit from starting up your own local Ex-POSA Meeting, take the initiative of starting small and inviting others in your area to join you. Our Ex-POSA Meeting Guidelines are here, and you may refer to the How-To-Start-an-Ex-POSA-Meeting informational page here.
We feel honored to help women find the local peer support they deserve. If there's one thing we know about women, it's that we're resilient. We are survivors. We are figuring out how to create safe havens for women and children exiting abusive relationships. These meetings and this website are intended to plant seeds. It will take time, and struggle and our joint caring, but together—and only together- we'll grow this into a remarkable resource.
If you’ve read anything that inspired you here today, please consider making a small donation to keep this site up and running and free of annoying ads
Comments 25
How do I prove that what I beleive is happening is really happening. He is so good at hiding his addiction. Makes me feel guilty if I ask questions.
Can someone help me?
Trust your gut and now I wished I hadnt known had bad it really was.. I used nanny cams because I felt crazy. The porn was just a layer to it all. I highly suggest their ebooks. Of all the material I have read and books, these were spot on and so honest. Not like a counselor asking me how I attracted the porn, or a therapist telling me to get into bed and do my job. It is not our faults even though that is the assumption that so many make.
I've been thinking about this for a few days. As someone who started a POSA group and could never understand why so few women sought support, I would argue that further spitting POSA (which is the only group that truly builds community from a trauma perspective), is detrimental on several fronts. In my case, my husband has done an incredible amount of work, has not acted out or relapsed, and has faced his actions and demons head on. He has successfully tracked and worked to heal the abusive patterns he suffered as a child and teen and their resulting compulsions. Many times I thought of leaving (who would stay with someone who has done this?), but I still saw in him the heart of the man I married some 24 years earlier (now 28). Much of this I credit to the incredible insight and work that Omar Minwalla does with men. Yes, it costs to go, but his approach is literally contributing to creating a society of better men. Goodness knows that it has opened my eyes even further to the incredible, widespread dysfunction prevalent throughout our society. When I stand back from it, I can see for those that embrace their healing, the potential to have them be part of the wave that helps shift our culture. It has been an incredible roller coaster of emotions, of healing incredible pain and hurt. I understand as well, that it brought up a lot of emotions in women who saw us continuing to work through the many layers of pain. There was outright anger, outright denial and accusations of "just wait, it will happen". I never identified with the co-addict, co-dependent model. It's just not my story. And I appreciate that everyone has a different story to tell. What if, we could tell a story of healing the patterns that are not only familial, but cultural and ancestral? It all comes into play. In the group I am in now, we join virtually from many areas. Some are staying, some are leaving, but what remains is respect. Respect for the journey's of understanding we are all on. It's very easy to tell when that isn't there with some members. Everyone wants to believe that their way of doing things is the answer. I had women telling me it wasn't possible...just leave. How is that supportive? I have had other women stop what I mistakenly thought was a pretty strong supportive friendship -- my staying was a reminder of a past they wanted to shut a door on. To me, that is the further abandonment of women in trauma -- depending on what side of the fence you are on. This pain is so brutal to navigate. Doesn't it make sense for us to continue to support everyone through that trauma, on all roads, in all ways? It seems to me the splintering of the group is furthering a split, rather than working towards building cohesive strength between us. I think through the building of the strength of one group, rather than splintering it, we learn to be more compassionate human beings, to be truly supportive, and to glean hope and understanding from the re-building of the rubble that has happened -- no matter which direction one chooses to go. Thanks for listening (reading)
How does someone find a support group near them that is virtual? I am not having any luck finding anywhere close to me. I am in the upstate NY area.
Hi Stacey - I am from upstate NY as well. It's been so hard to find other PoSAs. There are many of us, but so many don't reach out. It helps to know others who understand and can support one another. Feel free to send me an email if you like: survivethrivewny@mail.com
Thank You for this comment. It is refreshing. It's easy to go down a negative road in all this.
My husband did all his therapy ..
Dismissed after six months. The therapist is very specialized in all of this. She truly believed he was done with his addiction.
Five years of betrayal. I was blindsided like many wives are. The community and all the family thought we had a perfect marriage. I didn't receive therapy or support II read many books. It's been four years since D day..He has been a totally different man. I loved him before. Now, he really does all the things he needs to do do earn back trust. I just still have difficulty knowing that I have chosen to stay with a man that did that to me. The constant bombardment of negative stories I read, leaves me down. This was helpful. Know one in my life knows about all I went through.
I find myself just tired and lifeless some days. I try to keep a chin up because I am married to a great guy who has been through a lot of hurt.
Cheers to the small percent that make it through! Thank You!
every time I try to leave a reply, it won't load. Maybe I'm too winded. Ha. Let's see if this short one goes.....
I don't have an opinion regarding the "split" of POSA, but many things you said rang so true for me. Especially this:
"When I stand back from it, I can see for those that embrace their healing, the potential to have them be part of the wave that helps shift our culture."
I want so much for this conversation to start, so we can be heard and we can pave the way for the future --- people don't talk about this and therapists aren't trained in it.
Although, I do have to say that it *seems* some of the "known" therapists who are known for work in sex addiction and "partner trauma" are starting, just starting, to have this conversation. I'm reminded of the video Lili made regarding "real partner trauma model" vs. the fake one. (Not sure of the exact wording here.)
Also, you mentioned:
"In the group I am in now, we join virtually from many areas." I wish I had access to such a group. There is nothing here where I am.
I started to develop a support group for women like me --- and I worry that no one will show up. We need support to navigate through the trauma.
My husband has been clean for a long while and is working very hard on his recovery as well. I also see inside of him a good man (I see more than just "the addict"). I know the statistics of relapse and such are daunting, and we all have our boundaries of what we will and won't accept. We all have our journey.
Anyhow, if your virtual group invites new members, feel free to contact me at survivethrivewny@mail.com
Thanks for writing in---We hope things will continue to work out so well for you.
So glad to see this subject addressed. I have only my own experience to draw upon, separate meetings may be so helpful. Both groups need help. But help of different needs at different times...
Kathy
I don't know what the best practice is for partners. Is it separate meetings or combined? I know that traumatized people benefit from choices. Maybe that is enough.
All the dynamics mentioned ring true. I have found myself challenged to remain supportive of support group members who stay with their abusive husbands. I left mine eventually. One of the senior members of my support group framed it helpfully for me. She said no matter if we stay or go all of us are required to make sacrifices, it's really just about what you choose to sacrifice. We all pay for what is done by someone else. That helped me.
I am hopeful that we may be on the cusp of a cultural tipping point. Goggle sex addiction news this week and the page is littered with articles de-bunking the pseudo-treatment of sex addicts. It's a start. I have been abused. My children have been abused and there has been no restorative justice for us. I wasted tens of thousands on treatment that enabled my husbands continued abuse. My health, financial security, and mental health have been compromised. I will not be quiet.
"You can blow out a candle, but you can't blow out a fire. Once the wind begins to catch the wind will take it higher. " Was it Steven Biko or Peter Gabriel that spoke those words? Not sure..... but it rings in my head. There is power in speaking out. Keep fighting the good fight. The wind is picking up.
Hi there,
Just chiming in to this blog for the first time.
"God pushing me out of the way of an oncoming train" really resonated for me!
God tried a few times to help me avoid a horrible, traumatic accident but I was very determined to be the team (police, nurse, doctor, rehab therapist, cleaning crew) to fix it all.
After 30 years of deception and and 18 months, post discovery, of giving it ALL to keep this relationship afloat I decided to call it quits. Both my SA husband and I are devastated at the loss but we know it's the right thing to do.
So many difficult things to accept, one of which is letting go of any potential hope down the road. From time to time it seeps into my head that if only he had a long period of SA sobriety maybe we could try once again. I need to remove that from my thinking pattern, otherwise I won't stay focused on my own recovery. It's important for me to fully embrace the freedom of being an ex-partner, finally living in truth and healing from the trauma and looking forward to the joy of my future.
So glad I found this blog!
thank you for your words. i am in similar situation and am finally calling it quits and think it is best for both of us and the kids.
Welcome Chele!
Yes, there are many difficult things to accept, you're right. But acceptance is the last step in the grief process and much peace usually attends it, even amidst the sadness about letting go of hope.
You worried:
"if only he had a long period of SA sobriety maybe we could try once again"--
My own mentor always used to remind me: You need to your own healing time one way or another. There's no escaping that fact. But it goes much smoother and faster when you're not constantly fighting off panic, anger, depression, etc. that being with him brings. If he truly wants to course-correct in the future, the onus will be entirely on HIM to do the work and then come calling again to see if you're interested. But you can't leave in the hopes that this will happen. It usually doesn't and you'll feel even more frustrated with yourself".
Those words pulled me through a lot of very dark nights.
Good for YOU for being able to make yourself the priority here and not get sucked into investing ad infinitum in him possibly waking up one day. Life's too short, and all that....
Welcome aboard and we look forward to hearing more about you and your journey to reclaiming your self!
I don’t think it’s a good idea to splinter an already small group. The point should be to accept each woman no matter where she is in the process or what her hopes / expectations are for the marriage. Both sides can empathize and in some cases learn from the other. My biggest problem with the idea of POSA groups is the similarity to 12 step groups in some of the mantras and format. Personally I would never attend a POSA group in its current format.
great to recognize these 2 categories, but there is a 3rd: those whose sex addict partners choose to leave the family, while the POSA (partner) wants to keep the family together. This is my situation and I found zero mention of it in any setting or literature. Also, I'm a male partner.... which may sound like a separate unfortunate unique situation, but I believe is related: society gives women sex addicts no incentive to stay, since they can take the money and kids and run.
Thanks for writing in, PJ and sorry if my post didn't convey that "ending" can also come about by the partner being left by the sexually deceptive mate. It is so painful, especially when the partner was the one supporting them to get help. This is actually quite common.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve being betrayed repeatedly, none of us did....Eventually I hope you'll come to see that you are so much better off without a compulsive liar in your life; perhaps you're already there. And your child needs one honest, stable parent to anchor to and thrive- That will surely be you...Please keep us in the loop, let us know how you are doing....
you say this is actually quite common, yet I have read dozens of books in the SA industry, yet have read nothing about this. Can you write up a blog post on it?!
Eventually, we probably will, just not sure when. First, we have to write blogs on the topics we already have lined up in the queue here.
Thanks for commenting here...
Agreed. I am a partner whose SA decided to leave our family bc he didn't feel safe in the relationship. It is insult to injury.
I'm happy to hear that there can be more group options.