POSA™ Blog
My Husband, The Photographer
My Husband, The Photographer - By Barbara P.
Optics…branch of physics...involves behaviors and properties of light…including its interaction with matter and the construction of the instruments that use and detect it.
I came into this world full of light, perfectly constructed. An instrument of light.
My instrument was originally entrusted to negligent and destructive caregivers. It was not my own.
My tiny mind and body struggled to survive and hold onto my original light; but it was impossible.
I learned to feel my way in the ensuing dimness.
I had to become fearless in that dimness to go on. Later, the dimness became my new light.
And I found you.
Your light was dim too, but I couldn't know it.
It seems it was dimmed in the same way mine was.
So we joined together to go forward, I thought.
Love and trust and commitment and courage, I thought.
Slowly, I saw that there was a way to invite more light in. Oh, but it would take courage and commitment and fearlessness beyond what I would ever have imagined.
I moved toward the light.
And the light brought more light.
But immediately following that burst of light and courage, came pain and sorrow and ridicule, from those that were protecting their darkness.
Those that loved their darkness more than they loved themselves…and much more than they loved me.
And you were one of them. But I couldn't then know it. I couldn't see clearly enough...
I saw only two choices. I could reach for the light, or try to fight off the ridicule, withdrawal, punishment, and scapegoating. I couldn't do both. I tried.
ApertureAn opening. A gap. A hole. An adjustable opening in an optical instrument that limits the amount of light passing through the lens.
You skillfully adjusted the aperture of my unconscious awareness, ever tweaking and adjusting, subtly, slightly. And always with a motive.
Right there. Hold steady. Click. That's the picture you wanted to create. Oh, yes, lovely! I see it now. All is well in my world. I have you and you are part of my light, I thought.
Your deceptive words distracted and confused, as your adjustments created a darker and more restricted lens through which the light of truth could travel.
Sometimes I would wrestle with the darkness in you. And you would quickly shift your tactic, making adjustments to distort the light. To shift the darkness.
Your words flowed like mirrors, causing sudden darting distortions.
Words to make something seemingly dim, appear bright and shiny. Chrystal-like phrases and notes to magnify your tiny efforts into beautiful gems of love and commitment. Gems of faithfulness. Life-long enduring love.
Deceptive words. God, how skilled you are at twisting and contorting words. Even your lies are viciously laced with distorted explanations of how you stayed faithful to me.
Please put the camera down.
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Comments 13
Wow! Thank you so much for this beautiful poem. Being an amateur photographer & the spouse of a porn/sex addict. This speaks volumes to me.
I just found out about my husband's addiction the middle of Dec 2014. We have been married 28 years & he has been with several women starting 3 years after we were married. One of worst parts of D-Day for me was when he told me the first time was when I was pregnant with our daughter.
I want to thank all of you for your stories, your poems, your comments, this site which I just found today. I will visit often. And probably daily come March when he leaves to go on his last deployment with the navy. It will be the last. But it will be the hardest, most challenging, most emotional for both of us of his 29 (30 when he retires) year career. He will not be where he can attend his SAA meetings. And I of course am still struggling A LOT with trust, honesty, fear, and a plethora of other emotions. We need to find a couples counselor somewhere near us who specializes in sex addiction. But I will not find one on base or in our small town. Word travels fast in this town & I am not out to ruin him or his career. If I wanted to do that I would have last Dec.
We are struggling & fighting for ourselves and our relationship.
Thank You Again,
PO
Navy Wife
The poem is very powerful. Our descent into darkness and then the burst of light that sheds bright illumination on everything to me is one hope. May we who have escaped the darkness truly shine bright in order to help others who are still suffering.
Thank you for sharing this. i truly appreciate your expressed thoughts and feelings. As I move further along the path of healing, sustainable light is returning, slowly. It was brilliant shortly after I found all of you/this/Lili, etc... but I remained exposed to the darkness, hoping for reconciliation of some kind and that dimmed the light even more than the aftermath of D-Day. It is so very important to stay in the light , to restore it within no matter what presents.
Your poem speaks to the center of my experience - the distortions, lies, scapegoating, and then absolute destruction my now ex-husband inflicted on me. I pray that the Sex Addiction community stop engaging in all approaches that act to pathologize the partners the sex addict targets. Perhaps your poem will help speak to the truth that partners of sex addicts are NOT part of the "problem," but are victims of abuse.
Thanks for sharing this beautiful poem
There is a lot of meaning here that is so fitting in so many ways. It's really reflective of the process many of us go through, unbeknownst to us at the time. I would say I stepped into the light when I found recovery. And I can't say that all partners would rather be in the dark...some would rather die than step into the light with the deep seated shame they feel. I pray for the addict who still suffers... But you are right. We can't stay in the light with someone who isn't willing to fight to join us in that light. Today, I could not have my serenity being with someone who wasn't in active recovery. I know that today. That is a gift from my higher power and I know it with all my heart and being.
Love to all my suffering brothers and sisters. Thank you for your beautiful words.
Feel free to share it. I'm honored. And I honor you and your journey.
Thank you for articulating such profound inner pain and distorted reality. Finding out you have been manipulated and deceived so completely is disorienting to self. I lacked syntax to describe it to others this reality. Thank you
Thank you for sharing this. We are all finding our voices and ourselves again. You help us find the way toward our truth, joy and freedom.
Oh my goodness..I understood the poem. It's talking about my life.
How can our lives be so frustratingly similar? Thank you for sharing this and hope you don't mind if i share it with my therapist and our couples therapist. It says what i don't seem to be able to verbalize.
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.
A quiet breath, and a "yes". That is it. You caught it. Thank you.
Sadly we know each other by the words and feelings of betrayal in the worst degree. And few to see... This copious destruction is unwittingly the baggage of the survivors...of whatever is left ...and whatever pieces they have left behind