POSA™ Blog

Whether the betrayer is in our past or we are still wondering whether change is possible for them, this gorgeous poem written by Nobel prize- winning poet and playwright Derek Walcott (b. January 23, 1930—) feels tailor-made to give comfort to hurting partners. We offer it here to inspire you to stay the course of welcoming yourselves home.

LOVE AFTER LOVE

The time will come 

when, with elation, 

you will greet yourself arriving 

at your own door, in your own mirror,

What can you do when you are brave enough to share your story as the victim of infidelity, and you find that your friends and family don't believe you? Or, worse, blame you? Lili talks about how to cope when you feel like you're in a free fall.

Does this ring true for you?  Who has earned the right to hear your story?  Please let us know in the comments below.

Mother's Day can be an especially sensitive holiday for women who have discovered their partners have chronically cheated on them. That pain becomes infinitely magnified if she is pregnant, or has young children with the man when she finds out.

The holiday itself seems correlated with being a mother in a nuclear family which, by design, usually includes a husband.
When the husband has violated his fidelity vow, it breaks the legacy of the intact family unit that Mother's Day alludes to and celebrates.

On a more personal level, the infidelity can deeply humiliate her, wounding her self-identity as a mother. Of course, the sad irony is that she is mother to his child.

It's embarrassing to admit this, but when I was very young and naive, I wouldn't have believed that cheating could happen when happily partnered couples then had a beautiful new baby.
I think I extrapolated that from the look of love on new parents' faces as they proudly wheeled their baby carriages through Central Park.

Walking the few blocks from my home to where Gloria Steinem was going to be speaking this past Wednesday evening, I was positively giddy. Finally, I was going to meet a favorite heroine of mine, a woman who has advanced women's social equality in America and throughout the world for over four decades now. How privileged I felt to have a little private time with this pioneer whose courage to speak out against injustices to females has inspired me for as long as I can recall.

While I was at a private reception waiting to meet her, I thought about what I might learn tonight that could prove inspiring and useful to partners of sex addicts. I will share those gems in this post.

An hour after I arrived, we met. I had read interviewers describing her as approachable, affable and warm (not to mention intelligent, funny, wise) and nothing could be more accurate. With keen interest, she listened as I shared with her my concern about the increasing riptide of pornography, the glorification of prostitution and the resulting destruction we are witnessing.
And that it was happening despite (or, because of) the gains made by a movement she was so hugely influential in.
We talked about helping women know they have the right to say "no" to it, particularly challenging for young women growing up now within this ever-more-pornified culture. "No" doesn't feel like a viable option for them.

One of our PoSARC readers shared that, for her, writing poetry helps her to become aware of and start processing through the agonizing realities of her life as a POSA. She has written many poems and sent quite a few to us; this is one of my favorites.

It captures one of the most painful aspects of his behavior that a wife can endure and evokes such stark elements found in nature.

A POSA who herself went through hell sent us this poem yesterday and I just fell in love with it, so it's being shared with all of you.

May it help you feel the treasure that is your own big, brave, survivor heart.
~ Lili

"Melissa" wrote this short story as a gift for PoSARC readers so they wouldn't lose heart in this grueling process, especially if they are older and feel they are now truly stuck and without viable options. I know how very long this journey has been for her since D-Day (decades) and I bow to her tenacity to not give up on herself.

Melissa is a grandmother in her 60's and to me, she is a testament to the power of self-renewal. Most of all, I am inspired by her self-respect, a lesson we can all learn from no matter where in the process we find ourselves.

We are ALWAYS worth respecting, no matter who else is or isn't along for that journey.

Thank you for that reminder, Melissa!