A Reader Gifts us with a Poem

I receive a lot of e-mail from readers but yesterday a long-time PoSARC reader gave a gift to all PoSAs out in the world so I decided to post it to the blog today:

Hello
My name is Jacque C. I attend a POSA meeting in Oak Park, Illinois. I shared this poem with my support group today, all of us partners of sex addicts. I was encouraged to e-mail it to you for possible consideration for the website. I will include a bit of context.

I am the partner of a sex addict. It has been three traumatic, long years since my first discovery of my husband's addiction. We have been married for 33 years, have 3 adult children and 6 grandchildren. Today after many months of hope, prayer, waiting, watching, and seeing no recovery in him I came to the decision to file for divorce. The day I filed, I read a verse in Psalms 1 that talked about "a tree firmly planted by streams of water"….as a response to this journey, my future and what I have learned from it so far, I wrote a poem that really applies to any partner on this very long, difficult process, no matter the outcome. This is true about me and you!

I Am A Tree

I am a tree.
I am firmly planted by streams of water.
I stand tall.
My roots are hidden, however they go deep.
I am strong.
am supported.
I am fed.
I am able to withstand storms.
I am a tree.
I am firmly planted by streams of water.
I am refreshed after a drought.
My leaves are supple, green.
Day after day, month after month, year after year I grow.
I am pruned, deadness falls,I am wise.
I stand tall.
I give gifts to the creatures of the earth,
Fruit to those who are hungry,
A home to birds and others who need shelter,
Shade to the earth and to people who need peace and calm.
I am a tree.
I am firmly planted by streams of water.
I stand tall.

Thank you for letting me share and I hope encourage others.
Sincerely
Jacque

Thank you, Jacque for gifting us with your beautiful poem which evokes in me such a strong sense of the tree as nurturance, both giving and receiving.

As a POSA, once we are totally clear that our giving is a one-way street in the relationship, with the sex addict not being able/willing to reciprocate care for the coupleship by attaining recovery, it is then best to do as you did:walk away. What courage!

Although thirty-three years together is a huge loss for you to sustain, and I grieve for and with you, what I alsoknow is that what you will GAIN is your life back: your dignity, your time to heal without repeated wounding, and the return of all the energy you likely spent (if you're like to rest of us!) on getting resources together for his recovery, couples recovery and all the rest of the efforts we partners expend in order to protect our biggest investment: our marriage, our family unit.

Most treatment centers and therapists might label this codependence, or- (cringe)- co-addiction.

At PoSARC, we understand this behavior to be congruent with your being a relational creature, hard-wired for attachment. What's healthy (vs. true codependence) is not getting stuck when it's clear there is no sign of improvement given a fair amount of time. Idling is ok for a while, staying stuck in Park isn't.

One of the blessings of getting older is really becoming aware of (and respecting) the finitude of life. Sensing the fact that we don't have forever left to live can add some healthy 'pressure' to ensure we don't stay stuck with the sex addict's half-hearted efforts at what I call "faux recovery", recovery intended only to keep the spouse perpetually suspended in a waiting game. Or staying when there is no recovery effort at all.

We know that as severely traumatized partners, we have to do our healing work one way or the other; we don't really have a choice unless we want to end up bitter and resentful. Leaving isn't necessarily a guarantee of our healing. But if we are committed to our own re-build, once we've decided to be alone, a big advantage is that we're no longer constantly being battered in the strong forcefield that is active sex addiction. Our healing journey can gain traction, finally, and we can put the past behind us cleanly as we embrace a newly-found sense of self, emerging from the ashes of our old life like a Phoenix.

Because it is unlikely that you will hear this from him, but it's no less true or important, please hear it from us:
You were so very generous, you were a grace-filled angel to stand by his side awaiting his decision to do the hard work of recovery, even as you were in great amounts of pain yourself. You gave him three long years. And now you've made the decision that your life is way too precious to waste another day of it waiting for someone who chooses his disease over recovery and a life with you.

We at PoSARC send you an outpouring of blessings for the next part of your journey – we wish you all the joy his addiction stole away and we wish that joy a thousandfold for you. God-speed and know that there are many, many POSAs out here that have your back!

Warmly, Lili Bee
Founder, PoSARC