POSA™ Blog

Many of us today feel that we are witnessing the true underbelly of our country's deep misogyny, racism and bigotry. Many of us believe that we are indeed living in a good ole boy's club, much as we might have fantasized that we were actually living in a progressive melting pot.

Most importantly, many of us in the past months have felt that we are witnessing toxic masculinity at it's worst, something that every reader here has been exposed to in a most personal way- in their own relationships with men who engage in narcissistic sexual pursuits outside their primary commitments. NAMING it is an essential first step towards our healing.

Many women who have come in or written to us today are in utter despair. But it's important to remember:

We as women aren't going ANYWHERE.
If anything, we will use any divisiveness we encounter, any infringement on our rights as women, any reinforcement of the worst gender stereotypes....as steels against which we will sharpen ourselves. There is much work ahead of us. 

Today we're sharing a most enlightening article that shows how systemic the silencing of women is when they object to pornography. 

As seen through a feminist lens, this sanity-restoring article can help validate our collective grief over the devastation pornography has wrought, not only in our own lives, but globally:

"Why are you triggered by porn?" he asked.
As if my hatred for the industry and the filmed violence inflicted on the bodies of women and girls is nothing more than personal pathology! As if my anger, discomfort, and sorrow at the injustice of porn and its ideological role in constructing women as subordinate sexual objects that exist for male pleasure is actually only due to some personal history of trauma....

Over the past many years, we have learned so much about what feeds chronic infidelity (and often keeps it change-resistant) from disciplines and modalities besides psychology and addictionology, though psychology has certainly been instrumental to our understanding. Still, it's not the only frame to consider, by any means.

What has interested us the most here has been adding the vectors of sociology and feminism in our quest to understand the context that infidelity behaviors occur in.

After all, behaviors don't happen in a vacuum, nor are family of origin issues and earlier traumas the only variables that impact the development and trajectory of repetitive behaviors once they form. By repetitive behaviors, we refer to the lies and manipulation tactics Betraying Partners use as much as the infidelity behaviors themselves as each reinforces the other. 

Walking the few blocks from my home to where Gloria Steinem was going to be speaking this past Wednesday evening, I was positively giddy. Finally, I was going to meet a favorite heroine of mine, a woman who has advanced women's social equality in America and throughout the world for over four decades now. How privileged I felt to have a little private time with this pioneer whose courage to speak out against injustices to females has inspired me for as long as I can recall.

While I was at a private reception waiting to meet her, I thought about what I might learn tonight that could prove inspiring and useful to partners of sex addicts. I will share those gems in this post.

An hour after I arrived, we met. I had read interviewers describing her as approachable, affable and warm (not to mention intelligent, funny, wise) and nothing could be more accurate. With keen interest, she listened as I shared with her my concern about the increasing riptide of pornography, the glorification of prostitution and the resulting destruction we are witnessing.
And that it was happening despite (or, because of) the gains made by a movement she was so hugely influential in.
We talked about helping women know they have the right to say "no" to it, particularly challenging for young women growing up now within this ever-more-pornified culture. "No" doesn't feel like a viable option for them.

A POSA who herself went through hell sent us this poem yesterday and I just fell in love with it, so it's being shared with all of you.

May it help you feel the treasure that is your own big, brave, survivor heart.
~ Lili

One of the more fascinating ways synchronicity shows up in my life is that I might notice that a POSA will bring up a topic that particularly inspires me, grabs my attention. I might think about it later on that day and then sometimes within the next day or two, the very same theme will be brought up in a similar way by yet another Partner I speak with. Seems like a coincidence, right?

When that particular aspect or motif is raised by a different POSA a third time within a matter of days, I know there's a definite synchronicity happening, and I delight in knowing we are all connecting to something larger than us.

Dear Posarc:

I'm totally lost in a very painful sea and your website is helping me more specifically than any other resources can.

I struggle through a cycle of various painful concerns, but for the last several days my main concern has been my body image. Logically, I understand that I could be Helen of Troy and it wouldn't stop him from looking at porn. But, I have thoroughly internalized the message that I'm not pretty, sexy, or "fit" enough to really do it for him.

Can you point me in the direction of help with this?

Thank you,
Lauren Jones

Dear Lauren-

Since there is such universality in your question and this exact issue only gets brought up in my private sessions with clients oh, about 10 times a week, I thought I'd write a blog post to respond to your question. I know so very many others feel as you do. I certainly did.

I receive a lot of e-mail from readers but yesterday a long-time PoSARC reader gave a gift to all PoSAs out in the world so I decided to post it to the blog today:

Hello
My name is Jacque C. I attend a POSA meeting in Oak Park, Illinois. I shared this poem with my support group today, all of us partners of sex addicts. I was encouraged to e-mail it to you for possible consideration for the website. I will include a bit of context.

I am the partner of a sex addict. It has been three traumatic, long years since my first discovery of my husband's addiction. We have been married for 33 years, have 3 adult children and 6 grandchildren. Today after many months of hope, prayer, waiting, watching, and seeing no recovery in him I came to the decision to file for divorce. The day I filed, I read a verse in Psalms 1 that talked about "a tree firmly planted by streams of water"….as a response to this journey, my future and what I have learned from it so far, I wrote a poem that really applies to any partner on this very long, difficult process, no matter the outcome. This is true about me and you!