Am I Enough this Valentine's Day?

As red hearts and pink cherubic cut-outs dominate shop windows on Valentine's Day, I want to send out some Valentine's thoughts of my own to all POSAs.

My inspiration came from walking up Madison Avenue, passing pricey artisanal chocolate boutiques with customers in line paying for their lover's Valentine's Day chocolates and more than a few men shopping for jewelry along Fifth Avenue.

And not surprisingly, quite the line of men at Victoria's Secret, under the hypnotic glaze of the nearly un-dressed, GIGANTIC displays of models in silky lingerie, seduction-bombing every man on the street.

Seeing that, my body suddenly tapped into years of sadness, now imprinted in my cellular memory from having lived with a sexual anorexic who only came alive to lust after other women. Women sexier than me, younger than me, and, I told myself at that time, superior to me in every way that probably mattered to a man.

Reeling from the heavy backlog of old grief, I luckily came home to find a friend's well-meaning blog post in my Inbox that admonished women to " just love yourself this Valentine's Day!" Great reminder of about the only thing we can do, despite being partnered with a sex addict whose actions and attitudes have led us to believe over and over again that we are not enough.

I work coaching partners of sex addicts and if there is one underlying theme I hear woven throughout every POSA's tragic story, it is this:
"I must not be enough or he wouldn't be doing--(fill in the blank)--".

How often do we run some version of that by ourselves? How many times a day do we hear an internalized voice in our head that goes like this: "You know deep down that you really, truly are:
Not thin enough, young enough, your boobs aren't as perky or large (usually, both) as the girls posing online, that you're too practical-minded and not sensual enough, your butt is too big, too droopy, too flat, that you are overweight and out of shape, that you aren't sexually adventurous enough, and that your body's changed since you had the kids. Oh, and your sex drive isn't what it used to be."

Well-- whose sex drive would be when faced with this constant onslaught of esteem-deflating messages?

Of course, we may beat ourselves up with or without help from the addict in our lives. Over time, we might have unconsciously internalized the porn/sex addict's "script" for who we are and how we fit into their life, addiction-addled though it is, who really only wanted us to leave him alone so he could continue his sexual behaviors while sending us scrambling to figure out what was wrong with us!

Having lost our own life script temporarily, it becomes critically important to realize that all of these negative messages are nothing but lies, flung at us in a desperate attempt to throw us off their track. The key word to focus on is the word:lies.It can quickly become quite scary when the addict's script of our placement in their life begins to feel like our truth, too. But there is a way out:

We need to remember who we were before the addict came into our life and Discovery derailed us. If we can't remember, then we need to create a reservoir of safety and calm. We need to then create a boundary around our own sense of our own self, and protect it like a newborn baby. We commit, finally, to let nothing interfere with that boundary. Nothing! That means even if the source of the negative messages about ourselves originates with us.

Deep down in us, there is so often a hidden pocket of unworthiness we've carried around. Maybe it started early on in the relationship as we became less and less important to the person with the addiction. Maybe it pre-dated the relationship and we carried it forward from childhood. Or maybe we picked it up in our teenage years as a result of a trauma.

No matter where it came from, or when it took residence inside us, if that's in us, we can unconsciously continue to allow the addict's disregard and disrespect of us to reinforce that sense of unworthiness in us. It can be happening at very subtle levels we are not even aware of.

Just as we would do for our own beloved child, we can become accepting of our own goodness and wonderfulness. Doing so can seem so difficult (or even impossible) as we keep getting what feels like evidence from our addict of all the ways we've failed them!

But compassion for ourselves must come first, and then we won't accept disregard on a constant basis.
We can keep asking ourselves, "Am I being compassionate to myself in this way, by not saying NO to the negative script in my head that tells me I'm less than?" and, "Am I being kind to myself by continuing to stay in a relationship where my partner won't commit to getting good treatment?"

Over time, using this practice, we will eventually start to become more central in our own lives instead of wrapping ourselves around whatever he's flinging at us (disregard, harshness, accusations, excuses, etc...) It's tremendously difficult to not feel defeated when our mates aren't choosing the path of true recovery and all that it entails.

In every possible permutation of recovery, eventually we will learn that the spiritual lesson is in US choosing US and deciding that the only honorable action towards our wounded self is to love ourselves even more. In spite of.Because of.
Because it is the truth of who we really are. Radiant Beings at one with all creation. Radiant Beings through and through, whatever your belief system is.

We might then wonder, Who am I to declare my own radiance, my own worthiness of good things or anything, come to think of it?
Even there, we can remind ourselves: we are who we'll be with when we take our last breath on this earth. Why not be compassionate and kind to the one who will be there all the way to the end, namely us?

As you go about your day, practice kindness towards yourself, especially if you get triggered by lust-inducing imagery. Notice if you go into negative self-talk. Make the strong decision to stop and return to kindness towards yourself. Buy yourself a flower. Treat yourself to the finest chocolate you can afford. It's an act of self-empowerment to be loving towards yourself, especially given all that you've been through with the addict in your life. Who deserves your own kind heart more than you?

I am wishing you strength today, dear POSAs, with the hope that you can honor the Radiance in yourself no matter what your sex addict is or isn't doing. Remember who you truly are. And then protect that knowing as if your life depends on it. It does.