POSA™ Blog

Two weeks left of winter and we are bursting at the seams to unveil a brand new resource for partners that we are thrilled to share with you all!

by Lili Bee and Cassie Kingan

The best part, the closest-to-our-heart part of having a website and blog like PoSARC is the abundance of personal e-mails we receive from partners who find us online or on Facebook and want to share news about what's going on in their relationships and how it's affecting their lives. While some are primarily looking for quick direction or help, many write in, needing a safe place to share their stories of heartbreak, confusion and also their eventual victories. They know we understand because we've been through betrayal trauma, too.  

Along with the many profoundly intimate, personal stories that are shared with us from those new to learning about their mate's sexual deceptions, often as the months and years pass by we also receive detailed updates from our readers, allowing us to witness how their stories evolve over time. It constantly amazes us just how many connections we have with women we've never even met (yet!), all over the world.

Esquire Magazine, ironically the very same magazine that runs annual special editions of the 'hottest' women in film, on TV, etc. complete with highly sexualized photo layouts of them hit a home run with this article on porn addiction and why young men are quitting.

It may just be the first article on this topic I've read in this extremely popular men's magazine that didn't include the usual porn apologist sections. None. I'm very impressed.

Equally impressive is the fact that the journalist, 29-year old Sam Parker, did not focus on the more common side-effect of prodigious porn use, erectile dysfunction. One might surmise that a men's magazine would focus there, what with the big bummer of intending to boost one's solo sex life only to find oneself utterly incapable of having a sex life because of equipment malfunction that even pharmaceuticals designed to counter that effect often can't help with.

I am committed to a world of love, respect and safety for all people. I'm sick of all the shame, numbness and secrecy surrounding porn and addiction. And I'm outraged by all of the violence, degradation, and exploitation of women and children. Enough is enough!"

To read his blog post, click here: Dan Mahle Article

And then come back here and tell us what you think about the idea of a Men We Love category for PoSARC. I'm so pleased to report that we now have a small handful of men we'd love to showcase! God knows we need inspiration for the journey ~ what are your thoughts on us creating this new feature?

As red hearts and pink cherubic cut-outs dominate shop windows on Valentine's Day, I want to send out some Valentine's thoughts of my own to all POSAs.

My inspiration came from walking up Madison Avenue, passing pricey artisanal chocolate boutiques with customers in line paying for their lover's Valentine's Day chocolates and more than a few men shopping for jewelry along Fifth Avenue.

And not surprisingly, quite the line of men at Victoria's Secret, under the hypnotic glaze of the nearly un-dressed, GIGANTIC displays of models in silky lingerie, seduction-bombing every man on the street.

Since Posarc is a site dedicated to the partners of sex addicts, you may be wondering why we include some resources for the addicts as well. Here's why:
I frequently receive mail from partners (of sexual compulsives) who ask me for my opinion on everything recovery-related. My private clients as well, whom I do Recovery Coaching or Consulting with, ask me for my preferences in recovery materials for their addicted spouses.

I want to be able to direct seekers to help when they ask for it. And--please note:
I do not receive any benefits whatsoever for promoting the resources that I do. It's also the reason you'll notice my website is free of all advertising.

Therefore, if you find a resource on this site, be assured that it's here because I have personally road-tested this resource or watched the effects of said resource closely on those I know well who were using it, not because it's my uncle's company or because I'm getting a trip to Florida in January out of it. Though Florida does sound alluring this time of year!

So let me introduce what I consider to be a great online porn and sex-addiction recovery tool: CANDEO.

One of the potential liabilities of doing counseling in this field is the susceptibility to feeling discouraged; consciously one has to work to offset the effects of feeling defeated by the depressing realities of sex addiction's rise. I am well aware that as the hypersexualization of our culture increases, PoSAs (partners of sex addicts) encounter more and more triggers, as do the sexual addicts/compulsives we share our lives with. That, in and of itself, can be incredibly challenging for all of us and asks us to maintain rigorous boundaries around how we live, what shows we watch, etc.

So, when I find news about someone who is making a difference by asking the mainstream public to question their consumption of sex as a commodity, I am incredibly heartened. To be honest, I'm overjoyed. When that person appears from outside the sex addiction recovery community, I'm highly intrigued (not that those inside the recovery community don't add a lot to the discourse happening more frequently). 

One of the challenges of working with a topic for many years is that one can end up burrowing deeper and deeper into more complex aspects of the topic. One of the risks can be possibly losing touch with how a newcomer to the topic may still be struggling with "the basics". So while still engaging my interest in delving into the more complex aspects of progressed behaviors in addiction as well as chronic infidelity, I am devoting some time and webpage space to apprising newcomers of what they might expect as they find themselves in a strange new world of sex addiction or chronic infidelity with all its pain and confusion. Here, then, is Part One of the new series:

Sexual addiction, including pornography addiction, is one of the most harmful in relationships. The shame with this addiction for the addict and the spouse, the betrayal, trauma and stereotypes linked to the addiction are often devastating.