An Inspiring Talk with Sex Addiction Therapist Dan Drake, MFT, LPCC, CSAT

At the APSATS training for Partner-Sensitive Trauma Treatment (in sex addiction) recently in Dallas, which I was fortunate enough to be enrolled in, I was particularly struck by one of the Board member's presentations. Dan Drake, an articulate and well-informed therapist trained in sex addiction presented on the many ways partners are often psychologically manipulated by their sex-addicted significant other and the effects thereof. His presentation of this often misunderstood and even more often unaddressed aspect of the partner's experience left me feeling relieved that this information was finally out there.Plus, I was inspired that he was teaching a whole generation of other therapists from the partner-sensitive trauma model.

I am sharing a transcript of my interview with Dan in the hopes that you, our faithful readers, will know that there will soon be an end to the days when one cannot find treatment providers (coaches and therapists) who work from a partner-sensitive perspective. The days are soon coming when the term "co-addict" will be a relic of the past.

​It is obvious to any one of us who works with partners, that in sex addiction, there are victims; there is often relational perpetration at work. The failure of treatment providers to address those power-imbalanced dynamics can create compound wounds in the partner.

I invite you to enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed learning from and then interviewing Dan.

It is such a profound relief to be able to offer my readers and private clients some good news.

My gratitude to all who are helping banish the word "co-addict" from the collective lexicon forever. My gratitude, especially, to the visionary treatment providers who came before me and paved the way for the trauma model to now take hold in a much larger sphere of influence. And now, the interview:

At PoSARC we're always inspired by sex addiction therapists who can carry the message of a more holistic view of partners treatment back into their own communities and private practices (this is the ripple effect we're talking about here). You were part of the presentation team for this at the APSATS training, so what are you taking back into your own community of people you're working with?

The main quality that I take with me after this week is hope. In a situation that can often feel so hopeless, I am glad to finally see such hope for POSAs. Through their pain, trauma, grief and hopelessness, I now hold an incredible amount of hope for the ability of these partners to heal. Being a part of the APSATS board allows me the opportunity to help create and present material that has come directly from the lived experience of POSAs. The collaboration among our board, as well as the generous feedback from the participants in the training has given me even more hope for the healing of POSAs. This week we saw a wealth of experience, an incredibly deep reservoir of dedication, and a group of people from all over North America stepping forward to care for partners in the best way possible.

Being partnered with someone with sex addiction is damaging and traumatic. I have hope that this ever-growing group of treatment providers are willing and able to provide the most effective help possible to these partners. The passion of this group shows me that we are onto something, and it is infectious. There are many good people out there willing and very capable to help. There are increasingly more resources available, as is clear through resources like PoSARC. And there is creativity, intelligence, and ingenuity, as well as the genuine care for helping partners receive the most effective help they can possibly receive. All of this has given me hope and renews my passion for bringing healing to partners undergoing this painful experience.

What inspired you? What are you excited about now?

"Inspired" is the perfect word for what I feel. To see a group of passionate coaches and therapists eager to provide better care to POSAs couldn't help but inspire me in the work I'm doing. I await a world where sex addiction no longer devastates the lives of partners and families, yet I fear that world is far away. Until then, I'm humbled to be a part of an organization that is working to change the way we work with POSAs. APSATS is an organization that arose directly out of the experience of partners who were looking for more help than what has been available.

It has been such an honor to have provided some of the training for this organization to these attending therapists and coaches who will themselves spread the word to their local communities. And, even more, as a man, it is a privilege to be a part of the healing journey of partners, most of whom are female. For me to be entrusted by women to support them through this healing process is humbling, particularly since these women have been betrayed and traumatized by men. I take that trust very seriously and I am very protective of it.

It is inspiring to see the healing power of partners who advocate for their own needs to help bring about APSATS and the individuals who are seeking to implement this new model of treatment. Nobody would ever choose to have their lives shattered by their partner's sex addiction, but I leave this training encouraged that these partners now can start to choose more effective avenues to address the damage sex addiction has had in their lives.

What is your dream vision for the recovery community (1 year from now, 5 years from now, etc.)?

In my "dream vision" I have hope that partners no longer are being ravaged by sex addiction. Even if this vision is not realistic, if we consider where the sex addiction field has come in the past few years I do have hope for the future. In just these last couple of years, many therapists are no longer comfortable patently labeling partners of sex addicts "co-addicts" simply because these partners have found themselves in relationship with an addict. While that is a huge step, we still have a long way to go.

But you asked about my vision for the recovery community. In a year from now, I think it's reasonable that 100 or so partner-sensitive therapists and coaches from all over North America will be trained in the trauma model of treatment. We will continue presenting and offering information at conferences. I believe that our message, that sex addiction creates trauma in partners, will become more widely acknowledged within the professional community.

With this acknowledgement, therapy will provide more effective treatment to partners, addicts, couples and families. I expect that there will be much more research and resources for partners, children of addicts, parents of addicts/partners, male partners, and other diverse populations where this healing is so desperately needed.

Perhaps this is idealistic, but I do think that in the next few years it is possible for the professional community to do even more listening to the lived experience of partners.

The tide is turning, we still have much more to learn about the experience of partners of sex addicts. Rather than telling partners what their experience should be, through listening to POSAs we will continue to provide more effective support to partners.

Any other information?

Something big is happening here. What started with the vision of a few, grew into an organization called APSATS. This organization expanded from a board of 10 after this training to a group of forty. And while these few voices are a far cry from being able to reach the thousands and thousands of women and men thrown into the traumatic world of sex addiction, you forty will work in your communities and spread the word to other healers who can likewise continue to expand the reach to all POSAs going through this process.

The incredible strength, resilience, and grace of women and men healing from the impact of their partner's sex addiction amazes me. I can think of few worse things for an individual in a relationship to have to suffer than this. I am humbled that despite a process that by all accounts should completely incapacitate a person, partners consistently demonstrate that they are not incapacitated but have risen up and advocated for a new kind of treatment that listens to them first and foremost. They have advocated for a new treatment that does NOT label and pathologize them for the behaviors of their partner! This new method of treatment is here.

Partners, please continue to help us understand your experience and your needs so we can learn how to serve you better. You are not alone, and we are listening.

~ ~ ~

PoSARC closing note:

I joked with Dan after our interview that we needed to clone him. He laughed and said that wouldn't be necessary since the point of the APSATS training would be to bring this model out into the wider world through other therapists. He also made clear that he was fully booked in his practice. Therefore, rather than inundate his very busy office, please post any responses or requests here on our Comment thread, which Dan will also see.

Thank you in advance for your consideration in this~

Lili Bee, Founder, PoSARC

Dan Drake

Studio City, CA