POSA™ Blog

The many, varied challenges that partners of sexually deceptive men face are typically the focus of our blogposts. But today we expand that focus to include a concern many of our partners express: the hideous fact that our children are being affected by the prevalence of pornography everywhere they turn, often despite our best efforts.

This tasks already infidelity-traumatized partners with a sizable burden: speaking with their children before the damaging exposure inevitably begins. 

To help give voice to the difficult feelings this can bring up for partners, we wanted to share an article that is not the usual how-to; rather, it is a stirring expression of a mother's care for her young son, her frustration at the culture we live in that turns a blind eye to pornography, and ultimately, it is a rousing call to action. Jill, who authored the piece, generously provided some of the original content for PoSARC almost a decade ago. Here, Jill articulates her heartbreak with her usual intelligence, wry humor and the awesome feistiness for which she's known. 

​Note that the article in link below contains sexual descriptions that may be triggering. If this is an issue for you, you may want to avoid the article.​

"I have had a number of divorce cases where pornography has been at the centre. The couples still want to be together, but their sex lives have been distorted and destroyed." - Dr. Ann Olivarius

For many of us counselors, coaches, pastoral care providers, psychologists, and other treatment providers who work with men and women in relationships broken by chronic infidelity, our work requires us to learn how to help our clients navigate through the litter field of infidelity and sexual compulsion, back towards health and integrity.

As part of that, our training and on-the-job experience usually entails a peripheral learning about the netherworld of the sexual exploitation industries: pornography, stripping, prostitution, etc., since our clients have usually habituated themselves to this realm of commodified sexuality. 

Today we're sharing a most enlightening article that shows how systemic the silencing of women is when they object to pornography. 

As seen through a feminist lens, this sanity-restoring article can help validate our collective grief over the devastation pornography has wrought, not only in our own lives, but globally:

"Why are you triggered by porn?" he asked.
As if my hatred for the industry and the filmed violence inflicted on the bodies of women and girls is nothing more than personal pathology! As if my anger, discomfort, and sorrow at the injustice of porn and its ideological role in constructing women as subordinate sexual objects that exist for male pleasure is actually only due to some personal history of trauma....

Over the past many years, we have learned so much about what feeds chronic infidelity (and often keeps it change-resistant) from disciplines and modalities besides psychology and addictionology, though psychology has certainly been instrumental to our understanding. Still, it's not the only frame to consider, by any means.

What has interested us the most here has been adding the vectors of sociology and feminism in our quest to understand the context that infidelity behaviors occur in.

After all, behaviors don't happen in a vacuum, nor are family of origin issues and earlier traumas the only variables that impact the development and trajectory of repetitive behaviors once they form. By repetitive behaviors, we refer to the lies and manipulation tactics Betraying Partners use as much as the infidelity behaviors themselves as each reinforces the other. 

Listen to the replay of PoSARC founder, Lili Bee, on the Katherine Albrecht radio show (36 minutes). It's a great listen, full of useful information! For more on Katherine Albrecht: www.katherinealbrecht.com

I have to say, I am smiling ear to ear after reading the new Washington Post article: The Case for Banning Pornography

Instead of the cautious fence-straddling approach taken by most journalists who dare to even take on the subject, journalist and editor Matthew Schmitz courageously charges right into territory normally so defended by aggressive pornography apologists that even the hardiest of journalists have had to don armor in order to write about it in the mainstream press.

Mr. Schmitz invites his Washington Post readers to retire the old "freedom of speech" trope in defense of pornography use (right, because there's so much speech to protect in pornography) and to actually- gasp— have us consider seriously the misogyny inherent in pornography! I think I might be in love, but I digress. 

The Ten-Day Debate at The Economist, with Dr. Robert Jensen

The Economist magazine sponsored an online debate on the question "Can porn be good for us?" Dr. Robert Jensen argued against pornography and Cindy Gallop argued for, with guest commentaries. At the end of the 10-day debate, readers voted 81% against pornography.

(For those not familiar with Dr. Jensen, he is a long-time mentor of mine whom I had the pleasure of interviewing four years ago on the topic of pornography and again in March of this year- see Related Content, below this blog post).

In the ten-day debate over at The Economist last week, the always-brilliant and outspoken Jensen gave these as his opening remarks: 

This past week, someone sent me a recent advice column from the successful online magazine Slate. In the Sept. 16th issue, a woman who is married to a sex addict submits to their advice columnist a question all of us no doubt have struggled with. The response from the advice columnist, Dear Prudence, will leave you dumbstruck.

Here is a direct reprint of Slate's Sept. 16th Dear Prudence column so you can read it for yourself: