POSA™ Blog
Welcoming Ourselves Home
Whether the betrayer is in our past or we are still wondering whether change is possible for them, this gorgeous poem written by Nobel prize- winning poet and playwright Derek Walcott (b. January 23, 1930—) feels tailor-made to give comfort to hurting partners. We offer it here to inspire you to stay the course of welcoming yourselves home.
LOVE AFTER LOVE
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
What stirs in you as you read this? Can you imagine a time in your life when this would be true? Or perhaps it's already true for you- or you're getting glimmers of it on your horizon. Please share your reflections with us and our readers in the Comments box below!
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Comments 10
I really appreciate all of the comments
This is such a beautiful poem. I had the pleasure to sing this poem with my chorus, set to music by local Boulder composer, Gary Grundie Thanks for sharing Lili!
The poem stirs in me an instant truth....I'd turned my back on myself for some time trying to understand my partner, and fix my partner....
I love this poem. I ran across it not long after leaving my husband of 40 years. It didn't really register until 3 1/2 years later. It took me three years of intense grief to clearly see how sick my marriage was. All through that time, I was hanging on to the possibility that he could be rehabilitated. Finally I read about Dr. Minwalla, and I called and left a message for him. He called me back promptly and we talked for 45 minutes. I could not believe that he hadn't had the experience of loving an addict himself, because he clearly understood the dynamics.
Dr. Minwalla also treats the sex addicts, so I asked him, what was the prognosis for the addict, and his response was, "Not good, at all.
To finish my comment, above; after hearing from Dr. Minwalla that there was little hope that my husband could be rehabilitated, I was able to let go, gain a lot of peace, and go about beginning my new life, without him.
I told my counselor that I was afraid of divorcing him, because I would be poor. He told me, "There are lots of things worse than being poor.". He had lived in many countries and told me that, "Some of the happiest people he ever met were poor, and some of the wealthiest were NOT happy.".
I have a lot of close friends in my Al-Anon group, and many more friends outside of that group. As my counselor predicted, I have just blossomed and am the happiest I have ever been in my life.
I am still angry with him, at times, but more angry with myself, for allowing myself to be abused for so many years.
What I would like to convey to others is that is never too late to reclaim your life and be happy!
"peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life."
You are one brave lady, Kathryn-- walking out after 40 years!
Thanks so much for adding your personal story here- and I sincerely hope things have only gotten better for you since emancipating yourself!
Thank you Lili! Yesterday I came to a great awareness . I was able to acknowledge to myself that I love others more than I love myself and as obvious this may be to others and as often as i have heard others speak this or write of this it was not until God gently and lovingly convicted me of this truth last evening. It is a big awakening and I am deeply grateful for the abundant love I feel from this welcomed conviction. God's Timing, the timing of this post , the poem and the raw truth of the heartfelt messages are very comforting for me. I thank you for your ongoing love and commitment to the healing community you serve. With great appreciation and affection...Peggy
Thank you, Peggy, for sharing the blessing of your insight and conviction with us.
Talk about inspiring!
I truly believe that when we are broken open, shattered in our experience of repeated betrayals and deception, we suffer great soul loss. Our soul recovery, though slow and often excruciating, can also show us the vast healing capacities of our hearts. It's a time when God/the Light can reach deep inside us, too....I'm grateful a vitally important "message" came through for you yesterday!
What we need is leaders to stop this. We shouldn't be inspiring ourselves to keep accepting the abuse. If this is truly abuse, and truly results in damages to the partner, and truly compares to wife abuse and rape, as per all the partner research out there, then we should be united in demanding that the legal and medical systems start supporting us. Where is the funding for further partner research? Where is the support for the work of the few researchers to date, including Minwalla and Steffens? Why are we allowing men (and women) who abuse us this way to continue terrorizing us, to cause years of financial and health havoc, ruin our lives for years, and then walk away from the partnership with the rights to further damage us..... half of whatever's left, custody rights, etcetera. It's time we showed leadership in supporting these researchers, instead of merely encouraging abused and terrorized families to soldier on.
Dear Guest-
We couldn't agree with you more-- there needs to be accountability and recompense for the damages accrued to the partners. Your writing your impassioned comment, other commenters adding to the voices of exploited wives and partners, us publishing this website....we and many others are doing their part to expose those who are exploiting the women and families you reference.
Our blog post encourages partners to stay focused on the fact that they have themselves to come home to, their own goodness and wholeness. It is not meant as encouragement for apathy.
For so many of us, we directed all our best resources to saving the marriage, rescuing the man from behaviors he, in reality, had no real desire to change....we need reminders that at the end of all that, WE are who we come home to. And that 'we' is whole. War-ravaged, yes, but at it's core, inviolable.
There are times when we need to rest, recharge, be inspired by our own amazingness....so we can keep our energy going for whatever forms of activism/ speaking out, resonates for us...
Thank you for writing in! We are inspired by YOU!