POSA™ Blog
Your Questions Answered (Video): “Why Do I Stay?” The Biochemistry of the Loyalty Bond
In trying to shed light on the most common questions our readers and clients ask, we often find "Big Themes".
This week we will explore one such big theme, the "Why do I stay?" question which partners often ask themselves at different points along the way: right after Discovery, and if the shattered trust in the Betraying Partner is not being met with earnest efforts demonstrating remorse and repair within some time after Discovery.
(Video Length - 27:44)
This question of "why do I stay?" is often borne out of extreme frustration if one finds oneself giving the Betraying Mate chance after chance after chance, nothing much is changing and yet one inexplicably feels too stuck to move.
There are many vectors that can feed into that stuck feeling, so for our first video, we will be exploring the intense chemical bonds that can make detaching, creating distance and acting out of our own self-preservation so difficult to consider. These chemicals originate in the more primitive part of the brain and as such, are part of our survival "hardware". No wonder they're so powerful!
Our hope is that in better understanding the strong forces at work that may be keeping partners from feeling more in control of their own emotional states and choices, that over time, partners can begin making more empowered decisions for themselves and their families.
As we like to say here, Knowledge is Power!
Towards that goal, join us here in this first of a series of educational videos exploring "Why do I stay?"
Commenting Anonymously
Note that you must enter a name and email below in order to submit a comment. The name you enter will show up along with your comment (your email will not), so if you'd like to comment anonymously, please enter a name such as "guest" or use your initials.
If you’ve read anything that inspired you here today, please consider making a small donation to keep this site up and running and free of annoying ads
Comments 66
Hi Kathy, I hear your pain and understand. I responded to this video in November 2016 and added an update a few days ago which is on "Page 2". My name is Jean. It sounds like maybe our experiences are similar. My husband and I have been married for almost 36 years. Like you, I, too, was made to feel like I was the "crazy one".... we're not.... we're the Strong ones.
I just found this site. I have an unusual situation. My husband and I had been together for over twenty years. He has had a problem with pornography throughout the years off and on (so I thought). I went through a lot of health problems and treatments the past couple of years. He assured me that he was no longer interested in pornography since he had problems himself with having sex. Well, he had heart surgery in December and died 2 days later totally unexpectedly of complications. Anyhow, I was going through his email to see if there were any bills that needed paid and came upon some notes he sent to himself via email with women's names and descriptors attached. I googles the phone numbers and found out they were escorts. I then discovered old emails through a google account with multiple pornography sites and searches for massage parlors (nude and erotic). I always paid most of the bills and got the cell phone bills online so I never checked the usage. Well...I couldn't believe what I saw. Multiple texts and phone messages on most days and throughout the day! I went from being in extreme grief from his unexpected death to this extreme grief from learning of the vast infidelity (either looking or actively participating, I'm not certain). The issue is that I can't even confront him or ever get any answers because he's dead. That may be a blessing in the long run, but I miss him because he was the kindest, most attentive man and constantly told me how much he loved me. Was it all a lie or is it possible that he actually loved me but couldn't control his addiction? I don't know where to turn and feel so betrayed and humiliated. Thank you for all the information on this site.
Hi,
I have just read your message and I want to put my arms around you and hold you. After 26 years of marriage I left my husband because of his porn addiction. After 6 months and missing the nice, loving side of him which I experienced throughout my marriage, I went back to him. He agreed to go into therapy and together we have been seeing a SA councillor. Last week whilst on a truly wonderful holiday together we began to make plans for our new future together. Then something happened over which I confronted him, following this, and I won't go into detail, it became clear that he had lied to me over the past 10 months and his addiction went much further than porn, he has been visiting internet sites for sex and meeting people for sex, one of which was a friend. Over the past couple of days my whole marriage has been thrown into doubt, all the times I havee accused him of infidelity I was probaby right. When he first admitted what he'd done, he said he didn't want to lie to me any longer because my first husband had betrayed me. Believe me, this betrayal is much worse.
I can only imagine what you must be going through, take solace that even if you could confront your husband he would only lie to you and you would never know the truth. The lovely kind man, the man you knew really did exist, I believe that to be true. The addiction takes over. Do know that you are not alone in your pain and grief. I hope we women in these situations can someday find some peace within us. Your double grief bust be excruciating.
Hi Lili,
OH MY GOODNESS I watched this video a few nights ago and a few times since now and what a REVELATION!!!! I FINALLY feel like there is someone who really understands, and now I can understand myself and why this is happening to me. I have literally been stuck for 3 years and need serious help crawling out of this hellhole. I want my think like a normal person. Are there others who are at the same stage as me right now? It sure would be good to walk with someone else where we can be accountable to each other in what we are facing. Also Lili, have you released the cognitive dissonance video yet? I am desperate to learn more so please release as much info for me and other women who feel so stuck!!! Thanks so much!!
I feel your pain. You are not alone. I have been struggling as well and at times think I'm going crazy. This is such a confusing and crippling predicament. It's best not to try to make sense of it because it makes no sense. Its like trying to make sense of rape or stealing...it makes no sense. It is sinful and violating. The best we can do is take care of ourselves and find some self compassion and take care of ourselves because those whom we trusted did not take care of us. I have been married 15 years and have been depressed and don't know why...at least I now know why. My heart knew what my brain didn't. And at least now I can live in the light and attempt to move on. My advice is Don't dwell in the dark. The sun comes out each morning wanting to take us by the hand to a brighter tomorrow. Its time to let go of the past and take it....
Hi Amy,
Yes, I feel the same as you. I found out for sure six months ago and I cry every single day. I ask myself why, how did this happen and of course I blame myself. I know this is not my fault really but the "why" haunts me everyday. I can't say much to him because I can't support myself yet, and we have a child in college. I can't risk him leaving and jeopardizing her education in any way.
I would also love to walk and talk with others in the same hellhole. It's such a painful place to be and feeling alone is terrible. No one understands what this really feels like if they haven't been there.
This website is a huge comfort and the info provided is helpful.
Sending hugs and love
to all my "sisters"
Guest CVA I am in the same predicament that ur in. My kids are grown and out of the home. I work ft but we are paying off a lot of debt. I think I'm ready to leave but I feel stuck. I need an accountability partner bc I don't want to do anything stupid
Hi TW,
I know, it is a terrible place to be. Sometimes I just want to ask him to leave so I can heal and move on, but like I said, I can't risk the financial collapse that will follow. Not yet anyway.
We have our own business, and without him, I can't do it alone. Not to mention, the college, the debt. the mortgage.....
What I'm doing, and I hope this helps a little... I put the credit card debt with a credit management co. It will be two more years before that is paid off, the same amount of time for my daughter to finish college. I found a part time job and I try to "save" a few dollars every week. I hide some cash. In my situation, he has no idea what or where the money is, so that helps. Also, I use an app called Acorn. Every time I spend money, it rounds up to $1 and is invested in the stock market. Since Sept. 2016, I already have 1500.00. Not much, but a start. No one can get in this account and its on your smartphone.
I'm going to start going to al anon meetings, some one else on this site mentioned this could be helpful. I guess it teaches us how to cope with "addiction".
I'm still crying most days and I'm scared every minute of every day. I'm not sure when or how this nightmare will end, but at the moment, feel like I should at least try to get some money of my own.
I hope this helps you some, I'll think of you and keep you in my prayers. Please reach out when you can. This site is such a great place for us to "meet" and support each other.
Hugs,
cva
Wonderful that you are starting to save some money- I always recommend that as it gives partners a tangible way to know they're starting to effect positive change in their life, and then of course, when the money accumulates, more options open up for you. You can free yourself if that's your goal.
It was me who wrote that Al-Anon can be helpful....I did not feel right at CoSA or S-Anon meetings because of their language and framework, but after sampling many different Al-Anon groups I stumbled on a particularly good one. Mainly what it taught me was how important it was to have boundaries, it gave me accountability to actually practice holding onto those parameters for my safety and well-being, and not just bitch about how disrespected I was in my relationship...and the BIGGEST lesson was: We did not cause it, we cannot cure it, we cannot control it (his behaviors).
Fully accepting that was the hardest part, but the most freeing, ultimately. Most women are socialized either in childhood or through their faith traditions (or both) to believe we can LOVE the sick behaviors out of our men.....It does not work. Al-Anon hammers that point and for me, I needed that.
Keep taking care of yourself, as you're doing, and feel yourself being congratulated.....because you are!
Thank you Lili,
Sorry, I could not remember it was you who recommended Al-Anon. Thank you.
I am going to a meeting this week, I'm scared but your words give me the courage!
Thank you for all you do and being there for all of us.
: )
So glad to have helped a bit here, Amy-
We are finalizing the next video in this series, so stay tuned and I think you'll find it illuminating.
YES, we are also going to be adding a resource so others going through similar gauntlets can help support one another while we provide some of the structural and educational pieces.
We know how challenging it is to, as you so aptly describe it, "crawl out of the hellhole". YES, exactly right, that's what it feels like.
For now, though, see if you can shore yourself up in any way you can: rest, feed yourself good, nourishing foods, read, listen to or look at something inspiring every day... and your foundation gets stronger to do the admittedly difficult work of getting unstuck.
Thank you for sharing with us here!
I found the video very helpful. I met my partner in the ninth grade. We have been together for 23 years and have two teenage children. I am finally starting to understand that I have constantly been going through this kind of trauma throughout our entire relationship. Only until I had an affair did my partner inform me of all the times he had been unfaithful to me. Even as we tried to repair our trust with one another he continued to lie and cheat. I've tried leaving/separating from him many times but he always fights with me to stay. Then I'm left feeling guilty for "making him feel like I don't really love him". He will not even acknowledge that he has a problem. There is constant pornography usage and impulsive sex with strangers. Two years ago he recorded himself having sex with someone and I found it on his phone. He says he wanted to get caught. Recently he met a woman online and met her for sex. He came to me and asked me if I was okay with him having a "playmate". Before I knew he had already had sex with her I gave in and said yes because I'm wanting to see if this will help how I feel and hopefully give him the chance to be honest and open with me and to stop hiding. I fear this won't be enough. I am afraid that he won't change and that more years of my life will be thrown away. He talks to her constantly, hours at a time. Although I am glad he is being honest it still hurts like hell. Now that I have said it is okay it can be turned against me "you said it was okay". I am prone to depression anyway and all of this current situation has not helped matters. I feel like I am under attack for how I feel. He says things like "I am being honest with you, you are the one losing control. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to share it with you." The truth is, I do lose control when he and I talk. It's like beating a dead horse unless I just give in to what he is saying and look at it from his perspective. Today I am starting therapy. I told him that I was seeking anger management and emotional control therapy. He doesn't like the idea. He said that it hurts his feelings that I have to share personal things with someone else and that he doesn't want a stranger knowing our business. I have to do this though. It is tough but I want to be happy again and this is my only hope. I hate that I am having to do things secretly (especially since I harp on him about honesty) but no one is going to look out for me and my own mental health but myself.
Hi Sandra--
Thank you for adding your story here- it perfectly illustrates the convolutions a manipulator will go through just to string you along and keep you confused.
You're spot on with the solution, though, in your last sentence. Spot on!
Stay tuned here for our next video and we'll be unveiling some new support tools for our readers in similar situations then, as well.
Good for YOU for starting to piece together what's actually happening in your relationship!
You're on your way now....
Wow. This video on "Why do I stay" was THE most insightful, useful information that I have come across so far. I can finally understand and make sense of how "my body and brain" are physically reacting to the stresses of this trauma I am sitting in. You described the Loyalty bond perfectly.
It has been over a year since D-Day and even though my husband is working on his Sexual Addiction in Therapy and SA meetings, I am STILL waiting to see effort and change to demonstrate remorse, validation and being aware of the wreckage that he has caused the family.
I have been waiting for this "puzzle piece" to be explained to me in order for me to realize that I am stuck. And Now I know why I am stuck, which helps me to learn strategies to become unstuck.
I am tired of waiting for that small glamour of an "unhealthy hope" which creates dopamine. I need to exercise self care and create safe boundaries to create my own "healthy dopamine".
I will now exercise your advice and finally take time away from this chaotic roller-coaster ride and him to help me see and feel clarity. Thank you
I know this post is a few months old but I am going through a tough time and wondered if anyone could help. I found out my husband uses prostitues and he has also cheated on me with women at both his previous work places. So pretty much from the start of our relationship he's lied and cheated. I think he may have a sexual addiction. He isn't saying he does or that he doesn't. It's breaking my heart and we have a small child together. I think he's left me no option but to leave him as I can't take any more pain. Despite everything though, I still love him. I wondered if there are any women who made the decision to separate and how they are coping? Or I guess anyone who stayed and how that's gone? I feel so confused it's all consuming.
Find a marriage counselor / sex addiction in your state that will offer an Intensive for both of you... during the Intensive your husband will have to do a disclosure and summit himself to a polygraph test .
Hi Everyone,
It's the pain. How do we deal with this? How did this happen?
The man that used to love me, protect me, that was always there for me? How did this happen?
We had dreams, we built a business, a family, a home? How did this happen?
What happens now?
The pain is there every minute of every day. It is in my thoughts every minute. I can't get out of my own head. I can't find a reason why.
How do we deal with this and go on...I have never been this scared my whole life.
Hi Lili! I'm new to this awesome outlet of support you've created on here. As I've become more familiar with your posts and videos, I'm surprised that my emotions and experiences are very similar to those of others. I feel as though my emotions have finally been validated.
I felt isolated and misunderstood for some time, but nothing compared to how stuck I felt. I couldn't move forward and started to grow frustrated with myself. Often times, when trying to voice to my closest friend what's going on and how my partner's addiction has impacted me, it doesn't seem to come across a way in which she'd understand, which isn't either of our faults. But even just some of the phrases you and others have used, like feeling frozen, patterns/cycles, what it means to be traumatized through betrayal, etc...all of these resonate perfectly with me. I went through a harsh cycle of isolation to self-doubt, then trying to dismiss my intuition, emotions, concerns (so basically betraying myself) and then back to isolation, so being both heard AND understood is really comforting.
The last thing I wanted to share adds on to what you said about the importance of self-care. A few years back, self-care was my priority. I definitely had to practice though. I'm sure for some of us, self-care doesn't come easy. Like you said Lili, practicing self-care is the last thing we want to do in traumatic situations. I just recently had the realization that I've given my partner so much of my attention, care, respect and unconditional love (as I'm fighting for this relationship) that when I'm back to my only-me, weekly routine, I feel drained and can't find the energy to practice self-care. Yikes, not cool. I mentioned before that while I felt very stuck and alone after being hurt, I grew frustrated with myself. But now I remember that giving myself time to heal and process is a form of self-love, rather than being impatient and flustered. Being aware of where my precious time and energy goes (or where it doesn't go) has really helped me with my progress. It has taken awhile, and frankly I still freeze up at unpredictable times, but I do feel I'm on the journey of recovery.
I can't fully express to you how grateful I am to have found this page and to be able to relate, support, hurt, and heal with others. Thank you so!
Thank you Chianna, for what you so articulately shared here. I think many of our readers will be able to relate to your experience.
And you're so right, it does take awhile before we connect the dots about lack of energy/ motivation to take care of ourself is from earmarking all our attention and care on our Betraying Partner.
It can be a vicious cycle. I'm glad you were able to spot it and intervene on yourself ...
Thank you also for the idea to do another video (right after the one already lined up about Cognitive Dissonance) about self-care....the hows, why's and so on. I love learning from our readers about what they need help with.
Grateful to you for sharing your story here, and for your perseverance in putting yourself on the healing map!
Keep on!
Lili, I have been in turmoil for the last six months whether or not to separate or divorce my porn addicted husband. I am 58 years old and have been married to him for 35 years. I am a strong, loyal, hard working woman with two wonderful grown sons who are aware of my situation and who have encouraged me to put myself first. They are aware of my pain and know what I have dealt with over the years. My husband is a kind man who feasts upon porn. We have not been intimate for years and are essentially roommates who have separate bedrooms. He was careless with his "stash" (magazines and internet downloads) and when he realized I was searching he now utilizes his I-phone to harbor his sickness. I am so tired of this sick game and crave peace and freedom from this nightmare. I finally became bold enough to tell him we need to separate for a while to work through this. We have gone through marital counseling and he has had private and group counseling which specialized in sex/porn addiction but after all the time and money spent he just hides it deeper. I have come to the realization he is never going to quit, and he recently admitted it is harder than he thought it would be to give it up. I wish he was an asshole, wife beater but he is not... he is a kind, loving husband, father, neighbor and son but his dark side is only visible to me and I am so tired of being his shield to hide behind. Why do I stay? I have even considered walking out our front door and not looking back. Our home where we raised our two sons will be paid for in two years. We have lived here for 28 years. I love it and when I even consider leaving it all behind and walk away I realize how desperate and sad I am. Why do I stay? His mom considers me her daughter. She would be devastated. I have put up a fake front for so many years. I honestly think my husband feels I would never divorce him because I would not be able to cause his mom pain. Why do I stay? I can't even say I love him any more. The pornography has overtaken him. He breathes it....It is his life force and he hides behind our fake marriage. Why do I stay? I don't want to grow old alone, though I am already alone. It is such an embarrassing topic and I finally broke and shared my situation with two sisters and one friend. I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown and I had to talk to someone. Why do I stay? I can support myself. I make twice the income he does. I could buy out his equity and keep the home I love, filled with happy memories of my sons and sick, disgusting memories of his porn addiction. I am so thankful for your website and the encouragement and guidance you offer. I am hanging by a thread and every ounce of education and wisdom I can gain from someone who understands is a lifeline to me. Why do I stay....I honestly don't know.....