POSA™ Blog
Your Questions Answered (Video): “Why Do I Stay?” The Biochemistry of the Loyalty Bond
In trying to shed light on the most common questions our readers and clients ask, we often find "Big Themes".
This week we will explore one such big theme, the "Why do I stay?" question which partners often ask themselves at different points along the way: right after Discovery, and if the shattered trust in the Betraying Partner is not being met with earnest efforts demonstrating remorse and repair within some time after Discovery.
(Video Length - 27:44)
This question of "why do I stay?" is often borne out of extreme frustration if one finds oneself giving the Betraying Mate chance after chance after chance, nothing much is changing and yet one inexplicably feels too stuck to move.
There are many vectors that can feed into that stuck feeling, so for our first video, we will be exploring the intense chemical bonds that can make detaching, creating distance and acting out of our own self-preservation so difficult to consider. These chemicals originate in the more primitive part of the brain and as such, are part of our survival "hardware". No wonder they're so powerful!
Our hope is that in better understanding the strong forces at work that may be keeping partners from feeling more in control of their own emotional states and choices, that over time, partners can begin making more empowered decisions for themselves and their families.
As we like to say here, Knowledge is Power!
Towards that goal, join us here in this first of a series of educational videos exploring "Why do I stay?"
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Comments 66
Hi Jean-
I'm so glad you wrote in. You describe the hellish conundrum so well.
But I think you are well on your way to having that serenity you describe wanting: You took a big step in sharing your painful story with your sisters and a friend. And now you are holding open a space inside for questioning and weighing the stories you tell yourself against the unhappiness you feel.
Many of us go through this agonizing process, so know you're definitely not alone. And if you truly tire of the anxiety and anguish, it may well prompt a brave side of you to emerge, take the scared you by the hand and lead you to that freedom and peace you so desire.
"Why do I stay? I don't want to grow old alone, though I am already alone" .
^This made tears well up in my eyes^
Any of our other readers respond similarly?
I hope this series on Why Do I Stay continues to provide insights for you, little lamps along the walkway....
Thank you again for taking the time to write out your thoughts here, Jean.
I used to bleed, but there was no blood. I felt pain, but there was no bruise. I cried but the tears were dry. I hid my pain and my deep sorrow under my fake smile. I felt shame and embarrassment, even though it was not my fault, a load I did not ask to carry.
In the beginning, I would say to myself, "What's a little porn...it's no biggie, all guys do it." He would try to convince me that "It's God's fault that He put that strong sex drive into man". His Vaseline-stained finger prints on his computer mouse would taunt me and say "don't even try to compete, because you can't..."
My despair would deepen and the quicksand would tighten it's grip. I grew numb at some point and wove a cocoon around myself so I could be insulated from the truth, from the realization that my husband was a sick man and I was stuck in this trap called matrimony. I was a shield for my spouse, instead of a haven for myself.
I would catch my image in the mirror and see sorrow and anguish look back at me and I finally realized I was a prisoner for a crime I did not commit. I held the key to my cage, but would not let myself use it. Until one day I spoke to that person in the mirror and I told her, "you're going to be okay, I am still here."
And then I woke up ...
My first post to Posarc on November 25, 2016, was in response to this video, "Why Do I Stay". I remember that night when I cried out on-line for help. I was purging my pain in hopes that someone would respond and, hopefully, understand, and Lili, you did. When I read your response I felt a warm hug and a sense of "family" and strength.
Almost five months have passed and after many arguments, and my "dug-in-heels" insistence, he recently moved into an apartment with a six month lease less than a mile away. I can breathe now and think clearly and chip away at the walls of filth he brought into our lives. I peer through the hole after I wipe away the stains with the back of my sleeve to get a glimpse of "life without porn" and I see something move. It is me! I am running through a field, wind in my hair, arms held high, weightless. I want that! I deserve that! My faith is strong and I pray to God to guide me to that place, to help me find that happiness and peace that was mine all along. In three months my husband's apartment lease is up... We meet frequently. He wants to come home, thinks this is a temporary separation. He says he will try to give up his porn. He says that is what he wants. He says he loves me and misses me and that he is trying hard to change his ways.
We share a cell phone bill. I see his heavy data usage when I view our bill on-line. I know instinctively what "data" he is viewing. You see, I have become wise after almost 36 years of living with this man. The scales over my eyes are gone and I am super alert. I will be played for a fool no longer. I have access to his extra apartment key and see he has secretly moved his computer into his apartment and ignorantly does not have a password. My fingers remember the pathway to searching for his hidden downloads, and there they are, big as day, every day....
I am thinking now, I may not stay....
Thank you, Lili, for this site. Though extremely sad, it is also comforting to know I am not alone.
You are so welcome, Jean-- Thank YOU for letting us know how you are doing. Your writing is so beautiful, filled with evocative metaphors--- you have a real knack for describing the emotional life and I want to encourage you to keep writing. Women need to read stories about surviving the ongoing deceptions, and they need to hear there is life on the other side of it.
You are already employing what often takes partners many years to arrive at: WATCH their actions, Do not take them at their word. They've already demonstrated a very deep capacity for lying easily.
It's such a hackneyed expression one hears everywhere but nowhere is it more true than dealing with a man who has allowed himself to live a sexually deceptive life.
WATCH THE ACTIONS, NOT THE WORDS!
Between their charm, and us missing them from time to time (especially in the beginning when one cannot fathom life lived without them) we are highly susceptible to letting their words seduce us into believing all is well, their "sorry" will save the day.
But as you yourself are discovering, only their actions tell the real truth.
I commend you for learning this lesson so well!
Please keep sharing your experience here, jean....We love watching partners find their way back to themselves again.
Thank you, Lili, for your kind words. You are so right! WATCH THE ACTIONS, NOT THE WORDS. It has been such a long road. Porn is a caustic acid that eats through the happy memories. I find myself looking at pictures of my sons growing up and not really remembering the moment because of the dark veil that covered me. If I was asked to describe my marriage in one word, that word would be PORN. Isn't that awful! I am supposed to be entering the stage of my life at age 58 where I can finally reap the benefits of my hard work, having raised my sons and almost being debt free and look forward to sliding into home base and Win that game, but instead I am considering starting over, to find who I lost along the way. It is a step by step process, untangling oneself from the spider web and climbing down to solid ground. I am almost there. It would take a miracle for my husband to change. I do believe in miracles, but at this point, I don't believe in him. We will see..... Thank you again for this wonderful support system you have created!
I loved this segment. I feel like she is describing me and my brain perfectly. I have always tried to explain to therapists how I feel like something is wrong with my brain. I'm aware that I'm not acting the way I would like, but cannot seem to get out of my own way. I don't feel like the same person I used to be. I was so alive and fun-loving, but now I'm numb from all of the trauma. I feel like an oddball. I get frustrated with myself because I've been in therapy for years and have not made the progress I want. The part in the video that I most liked was about when the partner behaves lovingly, like when he compliments me, gives me the perfect gift, books the perfect vacation, begs me to stay with him, tells me how he can only ever love me, apologizes sincerely, etc. I immediately think "There he is! There's the guy I love! We will stay together because we are meant to be together". Then after a couple of days, I have opposite thoughts. This back and forth is actually from chemicals in my brain. I want to know more about this. This makes sense. I want to stop talking about my family of origin,boundaries (that I cant keep), and self care! It's not working!!!! I need a physical change in my brain. So now I know it's really there, how do I fix it?? I want a physical intervention like electro shock therapy or something that will get in there and jar my brain back to "normal". I wish we knew more so partners of sex addicts like me, didn't have to live in such limbo, wasting away. I hate it.
Hi RCK- Thanks for sharing how the the loyalty bond affects you. Yes, it can be crazy-making when we notice we flip-flop around on thinking, "This man's the ONE for me!" and then realizing that's not always the best way forward. That's why minimizing contact can be essential to allowing more clarity the time it needs to "stick" long enough, because partially what it does is interrupts that cycle of back and forth...then we start being able to connect the dots better between what we see, versus what we want to believe so badly. The next video in the series goes into this much more.
Also, it sounds like you might benefit from more trauma-specific body-mind treatment such as EMDR with an attachment focus or you can try Somatic Experiencing....Talk therapy alone often runs it's course and after years of often subtle and covert abuse (as well as covert manipulation) our brains can become conditioned insidiously....It's worth exploring these other modalities that aren't so much talk-based but go deeper into our physiology. Try googling for practitioners in your area.
The numbing you speak about is one of the more common symptoms of trauma and I've seen good body-mind approaches be able to help the system come out of that state and into more regulation.
Stay tuned for the other components of the loyalty bond...it's not just chemical, strong as that vector can be. Bravo to you for being so curious about what's going on.You're still asking questions and noticing too much time is passing with no relief. That tells me your system is registering well, which is important!
Lastly, try and be patient with yourself as you undergo the process of coming out of the fog and into more awareness. These bonds don't form overnight and they won't instantly dissolve, either. Slow and steady will get you the progress you seek. I know it's hard to hang in there, but it sounds like you are on your way ..
Yours in healing, Lili