His Mistress, Porn (A Reader Shares Her Story)

"Melissa" wrote this short story as a gift for PoSARC readers so they wouldn't lose heart in this grueling process, especially if they are older and feel they are now truly stuck and without viable options. I know how very long this journey has been for her since D-Day (decades) and I bow to her tenacity to not give up on herself.

Melissa is a grandmother in her 60's and to me, she is a testament to the power of self-renewal. Most of all, I am inspired by her self-respect, a lesson we can all learn from no matter where in the process we find ourselves.

We are ALWAYS worth respecting, no matter who else is or isn't along for that journey.

Thank you for that reminder, Melissa!

His Mistress, Porn 

He's older now, heart problems, kidney problems. His hair and beard are white, but he dyes them to look younger. I married him 30 years ago. 

So in love was I with this sweet, sweet man who wrote me poetry, made gentle love with me. I was such a lucky girl, maybe the luckiest in the world. 

That was all until I discovered his addiction...porn on the internet. "She" had her tentacles deep inside him, wrapped around him, never, ever to let go. She was his mistress, his lover, his sex toy. He would protect and keep Her at all costs. She was his drug of choice. 

Oh Lord, how I tried to break him free from Her. He wanted to stop, he said. So he went to counselors, expensive rehab, SA meetings, more counselors, sponsors. Nothing worked. 

Did you notice how I said I tried to break him free? I would have him! I would be the victor. I was strong and I would win. 

But I was thinking only of him and forgetting the damage he was doing to my soul. Each time I found him out, or caught him in a lie it would take a piece of my heart, a piece of my soul. 

He quit touching me years ago. I blamed myself, menopause, weight gain, old age. How could I possibly compete with his 20-year-old adoring porn images? 

The images he didn't have to please that would do any and everything for him. Most of all they satisfied him completely.
Our love didn't matter, people didn't matter, nothing but "She" mattered. 

All the years, pleadings, tears sadly in vain. I now believe this is one of the hardest addictions to break. The addict has to really, really want to change. I think most don't want to. 

Now we are finally splitting up. "She" won, but he didn't. I believe his life has been destroyed beyond repair. His age made no difference- he will always be this way.

As for me, I'm okay- the Lord has taken care of me and I'm finding the pieces of my heart and soul that were taken. Life is good and when I miss that sweet part of him I just think of all the lies and how they're no longer a part of my life. 

Love from children, good friends, my much-loved pets, those are my life now. 

Wishing you love and strength, M. 

Image by BradOliphantPhotography.com

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