Questions Partners Ask

One of the challenges of working with a topic for many years is that one can end up burrowing deeper and deeper into more complex aspects of the topic. One of the risks can be possibly losing touch with how a newcomer to the topic may still be struggling with "the basics". So while still engaging my interest in delving into the more complex aspects of progressed behaviors in addiction as well as chronic infidelity, I am devoting some time and webpage space to apprising newcomers of what they might expect as they find themselves in a strange new world of sex addiction or chronic infidelity with all its pain and confusion. Here, then, is Part One of the new series:

Sexual addiction, including pornography addiction, is one of the most harmful in relationships. The shame with this addiction for the addict and the spouse, the betrayal, trauma and stereotypes linked to the addiction are often devastating.

Partners of sex addicts often haven't told anyone about their partner's addiction. Minimal support resources available to spouses, and conflicting information about addicts or partners can cause additional trauma and allow them to feel some personal responsibility for the addict's behavior.

Sex addiction is defined as a behavioral or process addiction."Process addiction", versus a chemical addiction, may be difficult for partners to understand and can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths which may postpone healing.

Here, in the PoSARC Community we make an attempt at clearing the air a bit to assist all in getting the help they need.

#1: How can my partner love me and look at porn, or engage in other behaviors when he knows it hurts me?

It is possible for your partner to love you, even though they are looking at pornography. However, I wonder whether they would define the word "love" in the same way you would. We tend to superimpose the way we relate onto everyone else assuming others see and therefore, relate to the world similarly. So perhaps a better question than the one asked above is: Does he define "love" in a way that is similar-enough to the way I do? And more importantly, is this definition backed up by actions and not just words? For example, if my idea of being in a committed, loving partnership is defined by my values which include keeping our "couple bubble" intact with no intrusions from outside "thirds" tolerated (such as pornography, flirting with others, keeping overly busy, etc.) then that is my reality. But it is naive to assume it is my partner's premise for a committed, loving partnership, as well. Start really noticing if their words are congruent with their actions. If not, the arguments will begin. Addicts always promise much and deliver little, if anything. Character-disordered people also talk a great game, but none of it is backed up by consistent, congruent actions.

Compartmentalization can also make a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt his marriage. Women's brains are less likely to operate in that manner. When one becomes addicted to porn, it may be a perceived need rather than a choice until he becomes willing to reach out for help. Use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals that affect a brain when a drug is ingested. At the height of addiction, nothing is enough to stop him. This explains how politicians, like an Anthony Weiner or a celebrity might make risky, career-destroying moves without considering consequences.

#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?

Psychiatrists have studied porn addicts and found increased difficulty in their being aroused by their sexual partners, or spouses, though they still consider them attractive. When asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to using pornography, they believed it initially helped them get more excited during sex but after a time found it had the opposite effect. There are wonderful books out now that explain the neurochemistry of why this occurs. One of my favorites is Dr. Norman Doidge's "The Brain That Changes Itself", chapter on Acquiring Tastes and Loves for a more thorough understanding of the processes involved in the development of pornography addiction and fetishes.

Usually the porn user already had the proclivity towards using it, well before he met you. Therefore, doesn't it stand to reason that nothing you could do could be enough to satisfy your porn addicted spouse? Pornography presents an unrealistic fantasy that damages a person's brain. They often become engrossed in a fantasy world where no emotional connection is required.

A porn addict may want love and intimacy but seeks it out in places that will foster a growing tolerance for it, making him less and less able to experience it. Often, when addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. It is important for a partner to be aware there are reasons their partner became addicted to porn. But it is not because of them. Ever. Even if the addict tries to convince them it is. It isn't!

#3: If I am sexually available, why am I not enough ?

Besides the intimacy issues, porn feeds addiction with what is forbidden. The more taboo, the more exciting. An addict may progress and look at more hardcore material, even pornography involving aspects that a healthy person might consider offensive, grotesque or disturbing. This is parallel to an alcoholic or drug addict needing to feed a tolerance that is increasingly difficult to satiate. The danger is that as that happens, or towards a crisis event leading to an opportunity for change, the loss of control is increased. Compare it to an alcoholic who needs to drink more and more, but then has blackouts each time they drink.

The availability and variety of Internet porn can haunt a user relentlessly, since it has all the elements to keep dopamine surging to create that "rush" an addict seeks. The excitement of the hunt for the perfect rush releases dopamine. In the seeking there's always something new, always something "more". Dopamine is released when something is more arousing than anticipated, causing nerve cells to fire. Contrast that with real sex with your known mate. Sex with your spouse may not always be better than expected nor is it particularly novel. Nor does it usually offer endless variety. This causes dissonance problems because your brain assumes quantity of dopamine equals value, even when it doesn't. So, porn's dopamine trigger can produce a drug-like high that is more compelling than sex with a known mate. This is why there is really nothing you can do or be that will be enough. Enough is antithetical to what any addiction is: the disease of never enough, of relentless seeking and searching for something better, newer, more exciting, all in search of a dopamine "hit".

#4: My partner claims they look at porn because I don't have enough sex, am not as attractive as I once was, I'm too boring or not adventurous enough, am too fat, etc. Is this really why?

This happens a lot and could be called justification. Your spouse doesn't want to believe they have lost control or have an illness. If they are not ready to admit they're an addict or to take responsibility for their behavior, they may say anything to convince you, and more likely themselves, that there is no problem. Blaming is an easier way to save face and may actually work to get you "off their back." There is nothing you could do to be appealing enough to make your partner stop. I see very beautiful individuals whose partners no longer desire them. There is simply no credibility to any defense that one spouse causes or contributes to the other's use of pornography.

#5: It seems everyone looks at pornography now. Am I making too big a deal out of this?

It is very unfortunate that pornography use is so common. This does not excuse it, or mean you should ignore it. I often hear spouses say that their partner's porn use makes them feel cheated on and betrayed. This makes sense. When a spouse uses porn they are finding sexual satisfaction from someone other than a partner. They are also bonding with someone other than their spouse through the release of bonding chemicals that flood the brain during orgasm. So the betrayal feeling is normal, natural and not to be overridden. Remember, if it's a problem for you, it's a problem for your relationship. Does your partner care enough about the relationship to prioritize it over the pornography? If not, that's a whole lot of information for you.

#6: My spouse refuses to get help and admit that there is a problem. How can I make them stop? Are there risks if they don't stop?

You cannot make anyone stop. It usually takes something significant, or a crisis to get someone to the point where they may be ready to admit to a porn addiction. This is called "hitting rock bottom". Occasionally, just getting caught is enough. More often, losing his job, a marriage or relationship ending, or some monumental event is needed to wake an addict up to reality. It may be a progression into more risky behaviors, like acting out with another person or people and facing the consequences of this, to cause him to recognize his need for help. It may even mean arrest or worse, for example, from engaging in illegal activities necessary to meet their growing tolerance. You can insist they get professional help and you have every right to do so. The compulsive nature of the use of porn will, no doubt, do damage to you, your marriage and family. It affects a person's judgment, clarity, and sense of right and wrong. It erodes values and can cause your spouse to lose respect for you or vice versa. You may feel them pulling further away from you and the family as they get more engrossed in their behaviors. If help is refused, statistics show it will only get worse. Pleas for them to stop will fall unheard if they are not ready to hear it. This is a harsh reality, but true nonetheless. Some partners beg and plead until they grow cold and bitter. Then they wish they had left years ago and feel they have wasted most of their life.

If porn is an issue, extramarital affairs may likely become an issue. This means you have more at risk than heartache. You are at risk of STDs, or a child born outside your relationship and the costs that incurs. You risk loss of finances due to the costs of the acting out behaviors, and/or the loss of income as the addict's priorities are now the pursuit of his addiction, not the advancement of his career. The addict may lose his job for looking at porn at work- this happens frequently and without a good reference from the job he just lost, future work prospects can be bleak.

You are at risk of depression and anxiety, which over time can invite illness due to your weakening immune system. Your sex life may disappear completely as you notice you are either ignored sexually or else you may feel used sexually. Your children may be exposed to porn in the home and they will most certainly be living in an environment where the porn user has skewed perceptions and few, if any values left from the material he is regularly ingesting. So...are there risks? There most definitely are.

#7: Is there hope? Can an addict like this change?

Recovery from sexual addiction is difficult but possible. Addicts who do escape its clutches feel a sense of freedom. It can be so liberating that addicts often forget that their partners are still grieving from their actions and will be for some time. Like most other addictive cycles, all who are connected are affected. Partners need their own healing path. As a partner, you are not helpless. You may not be able to control your spouse's recovery, but as the injured spouse, you can control your own. The fact that you need recovery does not imply you are sick or that something is wrong with you. You have likely been traumatized by your partner's behavior. You will want and need to build up a support system for yourself. Don't keep silent. Reach out. This secret can cause feelings of shame, loneliness and isolation. Find a support group for partners of sex/porn addicts like these, or online resources like PoSARC. If you need more assistance in understanding what the trajectory of healing from sexual addiction looks like for either you or your partner, Recovery Consulting and Coaching is also available here.

PoSARC also can make suggestions on ancillary materials like books and videos, designed to help in the trauma based model of healing.

These are simply some of the foundational points necessary to understand this epidemic problem and the process out of it. We will continue to expand on these ideas in the future and will offer other resource and recovery materials to assist you. Take the time to read the materials and visit other resources we offer here at PoSARC. They have been proven to be an invaluable tool kit for recovery and restoration. Finally, we would encourage you to like us on FB and engage with us and each other to begin the process of building a network of support, while learning the invaluable tool of becoming a support for others as we all venture down this road together.