POSA™ Blog

"Melissa" wrote this short story as a gift for PoSARC readers so they wouldn't lose heart in this grueling process, especially if they are older and feel they are now truly stuck and without viable options. I know how very long this journey has been for her since D-Day (decades) and I bow to her tenacity to not give up on herself.

Melissa is a grandmother in her 60's and to me, she is a testament to the power of self-renewal. Most of all, I am inspired by her self-respect, a lesson we can all learn from no matter where in the process we find ourselves.

We are ALWAYS worth respecting, no matter who else is or isn't along for that journey.

Thank you for that reminder, Melissa!

What this woman writes here about how her husband preferred pornography to her is not extraordinary. In fact her letter is one that so many women, tragically, could write. I myself could write it, as could the majority of PoSARC's readers.

What's noteworthy, however, is that it ran last week in the world's second most popular English-language online newspaper. The Guardian has more readers than even The New York Times does!

While men (and boys) are raised in a society, now a global society, thanks to the Internet, that not only accepts that they'll watch porn, but actually pushes it on them at every possible turn, superstar comedian Russell Brand came out speaking against it.

This is really important because Brand enjoys and benefits quite nicely from his bad-boy image and rock-star status out in the world, not just with girls and women but even amongst his huge "bro" following. To have taken the unnecessary (for him) and hugely unpopular position he took here, claiming that pornography harms us and makes him feel ashamed to use it for lots of reasons, was, plain and simple, an extremely brave move. I am very impressed.

I have to thank a generous PoSARC reader in the Northwest for recently sending me a wonderful article titled: X is for X-Rated, which offered up some surprisingly fresh insights about the impact of pornography use on relationships with self and partners.

I don't normally link to outside blogs since I enjoy writing my own material here, but this article isn't one our readers will want to miss. Not only that, it's one you might want to share with your partner as well.

The writer, Zach Brittle, a couples therapist, deftly deconstructs the myths perpetuated by pornography use: the myth of perfection, the myth of ease, the myth of privacy and the myth of escape - and he does so in language that feels light yet substantive at the same time.

This online Forum on Reddit is for porn addicts who wish to stop PMO (their acronym for porn-masturbation-orgasm) and seek support and encouragement from one another. It is an open forum and a colleague of mine sent me this poignant Comment posted by a porn addict in recovery for a few months now:

I was struck yesterday by virgins talking about their porn use. It made me think about my childhood. Back then porn was something that people did watch and consume but it came with a great stigma. Few decent family men or even virgin men would walk into a video rental and rent porn. They might come into a possession of a porn mag or two. But even that was something that people were ashamed of.

Whenever any good news comes my way related to sex addicts recovering, I like to report it. It's hard enough getting hopeless and depressed by the amount of sexual acting out going on in the culture. That's why I'm inspired whenever I learn that thereare those addicts who want this affliction behind them, who are keenly aware of how it's damaged themselves and others.

The young artist who wrote the song in the video here, Jason Chu, is one such man. He writes candidly about first becoming hooked at 11 years old by the "angels" in lingerie store windows at the mall and then about his subsequent fall into pornography addiction.
(I know none of you know the name of the mega-chain of lingerie stores he's referring to when he mentions "angels". Nope, not a one of you.)

Esquire Magazine, ironically the very same magazine that runs annual special editions of the 'hottest' women in film, on TV, etc. complete with highly sexualized photo layouts of them hit a home run with this article on porn addiction and why young men are quitting.

It may just be the first article on this topic I've read in this extremely popular men's magazine that didn't include the usual porn apologist sections. None. I'm very impressed.

Equally impressive is the fact that the journalist, 29-year old Sam Parker, did not focus on the more common side-effect of prodigious porn use, erectile dysfunction. One might surmise that a men's magazine would focus there, what with the big bummer of intending to boost one's solo sex life only to find oneself utterly incapable of having a sex life because of equipment malfunction that even pharmaceuticals designed to counter that effect often can't help with.

I always feel blessed when a PoSARC reader or a client sends in their story, their favorite song, or something else of significance that's helping move them through their experience as a POSA. Yesterday, a PoSARC reader in New Zealand sent me what I feel is an incredible poem.

In her words, she describes her journey as the partner of a sex addict using viscerally powerful and evocative metaphors.

After telling her how deeply I was able to connect to the emotion in her words, I asked if she would allow me to publish it here. Fortunately for us, she was honored to share it with all our PoSARC readers.

I hope it'll move you as much as it did me---Lili Bee

(Thank you for your generosity, E.C., and for your artful rendering of this passage in your life.)