POSA™ Blog

I am committed to a world of love, respect and safety for all people. I'm sick of all the shame, numbness and secrecy surrounding porn and addiction. And I'm outraged by all of the violence, degradation, and exploitation of women and children. Enough is enough!"

To read his blog post, click here: Dan Mahle Article

And then come back here and tell us what you think about the idea of a Men We Love category for PoSARC. I'm so pleased to report that we now have a small handful of men we'd love to showcase! God knows we need inspiration for the journey ~ what are your thoughts on us creating this new feature?

As red hearts and pink cherubic cut-outs dominate shop windows on Valentine's Day, I want to send out some Valentine's thoughts of my own to all POSAs.

My inspiration came from walking up Madison Avenue, passing pricey artisanal chocolate boutiques with customers in line paying for their lover's Valentine's Day chocolates and more than a few men shopping for jewelry along Fifth Avenue.

And not surprisingly, quite the line of men at Victoria's Secret, under the hypnotic glaze of the nearly un-dressed, GIGANTIC displays of models in silky lingerie, seduction-bombing every man on the street.

Here's an e-mail that just came in which I'll share because I know it's a big day for POSAs to get triggered.

Dear Lili:

My husband and I have been fighting all day already and now he's stormed out of the house on his way to the local sports bar to watch the Super Bowl.
Reason for fight: I asked him if he will be fast-forwarding over the cheerleading part of the big event and he became furious, claiming it's not at all something he considers a trigger for his acting out. He's saying that since his "thing" was porn, seeing NFL cheerleaders is so far removed from porn that it's ridiculous, and clear to him I need to get a hold of myself!
On top of that, he's saying I ruined all the potential for his fun evening of sports and that I'm in need of a good therapist to help me with what he calls my anxiety.

Please advise me!
Cindy

Here's a wonderfully researched article on the way pornography is affecting our young people. Some of you may remember the journalist, Sara Israelson-Hartley, from her interviewing me in The Deseret News here:

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865582633/Second-hand-porn-the-spreading-circle-of-damage.html

This week, she explores the tragic facts behind how early the kids are that pornography is finding through subversive means....pop-up ads, mouse-trapping and using the most commonly mis-spelled words that kids type into google to then open up pornography teasers to get kids to click onto the actual porn sites.

If you are a parent, or are concerned about how our youth's sexuality is being hijacked by the commercial pornography market, this article will be of interest to you.

And here's a big shout out to Sara for her formidable efforts to keep us all informed about this gigantic elephant in our societal living rooms.

Thank you, Sara!

Since Posarc is a site dedicated to the partners of sex addicts, you may be wondering why we include some resources for the addicts as well. Here's why:
I frequently receive mail from partners (of sexual compulsives) who ask me for my opinion on everything recovery-related. My private clients as well, whom I do Recovery Coaching or Consulting with, ask me for my preferences in recovery materials for their addicted spouses.

I want to be able to direct seekers to help when they ask for it. And--please note:
I do not receive any benefits whatsoever for promoting the resources that I do. It's also the reason you'll notice my website is free of all advertising.

Therefore, if you find a resource on this site, be assured that it's here because I have personally road-tested this resource or watched the effects of said resource closely on those I know well who were using it, not because it's my uncle's company or because I'm getting a trip to Florida in January out of it. Though Florida does sound alluring this time of year!

So let me introduce what I consider to be a great online porn and sex-addiction recovery tool: CANDEO.

IT HAS BEEN SO VERY INSPIRING TO WORK WITH THESE POSAS

There have been at least five new POSA Meetings formed in this past year alone! It has been so very inspiring to work with these POSAs who took the initiative to begin hosting meetings in their local areas. Our communications in working together have energized and empowered all of us!

We know how treacherous life can feel in the wake of discovering that your life partner has betrayed you. One of the more extraordinary gifts hidden within this relational devastation is the power of POSAs to find and to support one another. To begin our healing process, we can learn to stop trying to bond back to the person who carelessly ruptured our bonds (at least until they've earned our trust back sufficiently), and to find new, supportive people to trust and to create healing community with.

One of the potential liabilities of doing counseling in this field is the susceptibility to feeling discouraged; consciously one has to work to offset the effects of feeling defeated by the depressing realities of sex addiction's rise. I am well aware that as the hypersexualization of our culture increases, PoSAs (partners of sex addicts) encounter more and more triggers, as do the sexual addicts/compulsives we share our lives with. That, in and of itself, can be incredibly challenging for all of us and asks us to maintain rigorous boundaries around how we live, what shows we watch, etc.

So, when I find news about someone who is making a difference by asking the mainstream public to question their consumption of sex as a commodity, I am incredibly heartened. To be honest, I'm overjoyed. When that person appears from outside the sex addiction recovery community, I'm highly intrigued (not that those inside the recovery community don't add a lot to the discourse happening more frequently). 

One of the challenges of working with a topic for many years is that one can end up burrowing deeper and deeper into more complex aspects of the topic. One of the risks can be possibly losing touch with how a newcomer to the topic may still be struggling with "the basics". So while still engaging my interest in delving into the more complex aspects of progressed behaviors in addiction as well as chronic infidelity, I am devoting some time and webpage space to apprising newcomers of what they might expect as they find themselves in a strange new world of sex addiction or chronic infidelity with all its pain and confusion. Here, then, is Part One of the new series:

Sexual addiction, including pornography addiction, is one of the most harmful in relationships. The shame with this addiction for the addict and the spouse, the betrayal, trauma and stereotypes linked to the addiction are often devastating.