POSA™ Blog

What this woman writes here about how her husband preferred pornography to her is not extraordinary. In fact her letter is one that so many women, tragically, could write. I myself could write it, as could the majority of PoSARC's readers.

What's noteworthy, however, is that it ran last week in the world's second most popular English-language online newspaper. The Guardian has more readers than even The New York Times does!

One of the more fascinating ways synchronicity shows up in my life is that I might notice that a POSA will bring up a topic that particularly inspires me, grabs my attention. I might think about it later on that day and then sometimes within the next day or two, the very same theme will be brought up in a similar way by yet another Partner I speak with. Seems like a coincidence, right?

When that particular aspect or motif is raised by a different POSA a third time within a matter of days, I know there's a definite synchronicity happening, and I delight in knowing we are all connecting to something larger than us.

Hello Dear Readers-

It's Tuesday in New York City and the mercury is headed back down towards the single digits again, so I thought that I'd share something warm, true and very precious that a dear friend in Germany sent me this morning. I think it's especially relevant for POSAs. It's worth passing along to anyone you know who needs a lift today, and to be reminded of some cardinal TRUTHS: 

One of the very many things my sex addict taught me in the years that followed Discovery was that there wasn't just oneflavor of lying, the necessary component that allows secretive behavior to flourish undetected- no, there was a sizable rainbow assortment I never even knew existed. Of course, this is hardly unique amongst sex addict/compulsives (SACs) in their dealings with their partners.

Over the years, I learned, as I'm sure a lot of readers here did, about the many nuances in all the different types of omissions, half-stories and complete fabrications, the gaslighting and the twists and turns involved in purposely manipulating another person's reality. I've read a lot of books on the character disturbed and their manipulative tactics (with lying being primary) but never imagined I'd actually enjoy reading anything on this onerous topic. Till now:

A PoSARC reader wrote to us a few days ago, telling us how grateful she was for having found us, for our advocacy on behalf of partners and for the POSA Support Group Meetings that acknowledge she's not a co-addict, she's a trauma survivor of a multiple-decade-long marriage filled with her sex addict's deception. She's grateful her healing has begun now, and she wanted to gift us this poem.

We would like to share it with all our PoSARC readers in gratitude to all of you this Thanksgiving. We are continually inspired by the courage, determination and resilience we witness in partners of sex addicts every single day.

Happy Thanksgiving…..and thank you for this gift, RL in California!!

A POSA told me through her sobs today that this is her "day 16" after Discovery.

It is also day 15 of her sleeping alone in the marital bed and wondering how her life has become the nightmare she can't seem to awaken from.

Even though she managed to spare her son the details, he knew something was terribly wrong because she can't seem to stop crying for very long.

In his incredibly touching effort to console his mom, he found this poem to give to her and asked her to put it on her table so she would see it every day and stop crying.

I receive a lot of e-mail from readers but yesterday a long-time PoSARC reader gave a gift to all PoSAs out in the world so I decided to post it to the blog today:

Hello
My name is Jacque C. I attend a POSA meeting in Oak Park, Illinois. I shared this poem with my support group today, all of us partners of sex addicts. I was encouraged to e-mail it to you for possible consideration for the website. I will include a bit of context.

I am the partner of a sex addict. It has been three traumatic, long years since my first discovery of my husband's addiction. We have been married for 33 years, have 3 adult children and 6 grandchildren. Today after many months of hope, prayer, waiting, watching, and seeing no recovery in him I came to the decision to file for divorce. The day I filed, I read a verse in Psalms 1 that talked about "a tree firmly planted by streams of water"….as a response to this journey, my future and what I have learned from it so far, I wrote a poem that really applies to any partner on this very long, difficult process, no matter the outcome. This is true about me and you!

This blogpost is dedicated to all women everywhere. The past and present Mothers of the world!

Every day, my POSA clients tell me horror stories about the myriad, ever-increasing ways that men act out their anger and feelings of powerlessness against women through their sexual exploitations. I hear stories that through and through, ring to me of the debasement of self and others.

And today I received an e-mail from a POSA client saying that the fact that it was Mother's Day only highlighted all the ways her sexually-compulsive husband has transmogrified her sexuality, that part of her that she had always kept sacred for him.