POSA™ Blog

I receive a lot of e-mail from readers but yesterday a long-time PoSARC reader gave a gift to all PoSAs out in the world so I decided to post it to the blog today:

Hello
My name is Jacque C. I attend a POSA meeting in Oak Park, Illinois. I shared this poem with my support group today, all of us partners of sex addicts. I was encouraged to e-mail it to you for possible consideration for the website. I will include a bit of context.

I am the partner of a sex addict. It has been three traumatic, long years since my first discovery of my husband's addiction. We have been married for 33 years, have 3 adult children and 6 grandchildren. Today after many months of hope, prayer, waiting, watching, and seeing no recovery in him I came to the decision to file for divorce. The day I filed, I read a verse in Psalms 1 that talked about "a tree firmly planted by streams of water"….as a response to this journey, my future and what I have learned from it so far, I wrote a poem that really applies to any partner on this very long, difficult process, no matter the outcome. This is true about me and you!

This blogpost is dedicated to all women everywhere. The past and present Mothers of the world!

Every day, my POSA clients tell me horror stories about the myriad, ever-increasing ways that men act out their anger and feelings of powerlessness against women through their sexual exploitations. I hear stories that through and through, ring to me of the debasement of self and others.

And today I received an e-mail from a POSA client saying that the fact that it was Mother's Day only highlighted all the ways her sexually-compulsive husband has transmogrified her sexuality, that part of her that she had always kept sacred for him.

Every day since autumn, I've peered into a gigantic construction pit which will eventually become the city's tallest residential building- directly across the street from me here in Manhattan. Breaking through granite to dig a deep enough foundation to support a 52-story highrise means non-stop noise from rock-breaking machines, cranes and bulldozers.

But my jangled nerves begin to calm down and I can feel the tension loosen it's grip as soon as I cross Park Avenue and see that just steps away from the insane construction cacophony, Nature could care less about all that: She is very busy herself, heralding the arrival of a long-awaited spring in the Northeast.

I always feel blessed when a PoSARC reader or a client sends in their story, their favorite song, or something else of significance that's helping move them through their experience as a POSA. Yesterday, a PoSARC reader in New Zealand sent me what I feel is an incredible poem.

In her words, she describes her journey as the partner of a sex addict using viscerally powerful and evocative metaphors.

After telling her how deeply I was able to connect to the emotion in her words, I asked if she would allow me to publish it here. Fortunately for us, she was honored to share it with all our PoSARC readers.

I hope it'll move you as much as it did me---Lili Bee

(Thank you for your generosity, E.C., and for your artful rendering of this passage in your life.)

"Each week, the PoSARC inbox is filled with all kinds of e-mails requesting help. But hands down, our largest percentage of mail contains questions directed to the small handful of addicts in recovery I work with who occasionally donate their time to answer the questions I put before them. What I glean from reading all of these e-mails is what I call the million-dollar question: "How can you (the sex addict) do these behaviors when you're in a relationship? What were you thinking?"

I always feel a little saner when I read those because it helps me know that I wasn't the only one who was beyond vexed by this right after Discovery and in the next few years afterwards.

I am committed to a world of love, respect and safety for all people. I'm sick of all the shame, numbness and secrecy surrounding porn and addiction. And I'm outraged by all of the violence, degradation, and exploitation of women and children. Enough is enough!"

To read his blog post, click here: Dan Mahle Article

And then come back here and tell us what you think about the idea of a Men We Love category for PoSARC. I'm so pleased to report that we now have a small handful of men we'd love to showcase! God knows we need inspiration for the journey ~ what are your thoughts on us creating this new feature?

As red hearts and pink cherubic cut-outs dominate shop windows on Valentine's Day, I want to send out some Valentine's thoughts of my own to all POSAs.

My inspiration came from walking up Madison Avenue, passing pricey artisanal chocolate boutiques with customers in line paying for their lover's Valentine's Day chocolates and more than a few men shopping for jewelry along Fifth Avenue.

And not surprisingly, quite the line of men at Victoria's Secret, under the hypnotic glaze of the nearly un-dressed, GIGANTIC displays of models in silky lingerie, seduction-bombing every man on the street.

Here's an e-mail that just came in which I'll share because I know it's a big day for POSAs to get triggered.

Dear Lili:

My husband and I have been fighting all day already and now he's stormed out of the house on his way to the local sports bar to watch the Super Bowl.
Reason for fight: I asked him if he will be fast-forwarding over the cheerleading part of the big event and he became furious, claiming it's not at all something he considers a trigger for his acting out. He's saying that since his "thing" was porn, seeing NFL cheerleaders is so far removed from porn that it's ridiculous, and clear to him I need to get a hold of myself!
On top of that, he's saying I ruined all the potential for his fun evening of sports and that I'm in need of a good therapist to help me with what he calls my anxiety.

Please advise me!
Cindy